Random thoughts

Several times over the past few days, I was given the impression that my presence was appreciated.
That always makes me happy, often more happy than is logical. (The fact that somebody doesn't get up immediately when I sit down at the same table is no reason for exxagerated grins, it's likely simple politeness.)

But it also makes me wonder why people would want me around.

I feel like I am just pretending to be something I am not, I somehow manage to give people the impression I am nice and friendly and interesting, but it's all lies.
And sooner or later people will realise I am just a fraud and they will turn away.

And when I meet new people, some of them give me the impression that they know. They are friendly and nice, but there is something about them that makes me think they know I'm just pretending, and they keep me on the edge and have me worried about if or rather when they will unmask me and will show everybody the ugly reality of what I am.

I am no longer begging.

On Friday, some of the people I studied with arranged to meet at a pub in Leipzig. Nobody was invited specifically, but word was spread via our mailing list.
And I decided I would not go.

While we were still studying, it sometimes happened they arranged a party or something and I only heard about it at the last moment because somebody mentioned it in my presence. They would then tell me that sure I could come if I wanted, and often I would come. And feel out of place and unwanted. Until somebody needed me to drive them home.

I would do everything to give them the impression it was good to have me around. If they didn't want me, at least they should need me. So I became the person who'd pay for drinks if somebody didn't have enough money, I'd drive through the whole town to drop people off at their homes or pick them up or bring stuff from point A to point B.
But it's no longer what I want to do.

I don't want people to take me along because they can make use of me. I don't want people to like me the way I am, because that gives the impression they like me even though I am the way I am, and I'd rather they like me because of the way I am.

I believe I have friends now. I don't need to go begging on my knees to be noticed, I just need to learn to get up again.

When I started friending people on LJ, I was nervous as heck every time. I remember that with some people, I was feeling like a medieval peasant who has just walked up to his king, slapped his back and said "Hey dude, how're you doing?" I was expecting being ignored or a cutting response asking me how I dared to approach them. But it didn't happen. Instead, people welcomed me, they were friendly and open and suddenly I didn't feel left out anymore.

And now I have come to the point where I feel safe enough to quit begging the others for attention. What do I care what my former classmates and fellow students think of me? I don't need them. I have better friends than they could ever be. I don't need to change to be what they want, because what I am is what others want.

It's scary. It feels a bit like a dream and I am afraid I will wake up any minute and everything will be as it was.
Hell, if it exists, is not a hot, fiery place with devils running around. It is a place very much like this world, where people turn their backs when you approach.

Am I intolerant?
Probably.
Most likely.
Heck, yes.
I don't care about who people sleep with, as long as it isn't children (that's just mean), close relatives or animals (I'm sorry, but that's just plain disgusting. Plus, the poor things can't really say no). I don't give a damn if somebody prefers his/her own sex to the opposite. I don't care a lot about what people wear. I do think they should keep certain rules of decency if they go out in the public. I do think there are some women who dress up as if they work in the oldest trade of the world. I don't think it brave or a sign of self confidence if very large people dress invery tight, short clothes. But as long as I'm not forced to see it all the time, I'm fine with it. I'm not interested in the color of your skin or the hairstyle you have, and your political views -as long as they don't include harming other people.
Things I can't stand, even though that might make me intolerant, are stupidity, bad behavior and a lack of knowledge of your own language.
There are things people don't know. There are many things I don't know. But there is no excuse for not realizing the lack of knowledge and still talking about things I shouldn't talk about. It doesn't make me disrespect somebody if s/he says that he doesn't know enough about something to talk about it. I can't respect people who make complete fools out of themselves by uttering their dogmatic views about things they don't know about.
Good example: I hate it when my father - who studied agriculture - talks about the specific problems of librarianship. The last time he's seen the inside of a library was when he was still in university. Apart from that, his closest connection to libraries is being related to me. As he never listens to what we say about our experiences (because according to his rules, kids don't have anything important to say), that doesn't increase his knowledge of libraries. So he might as well not talk about it.
That is what I call stupidity.
As for the bad behavior, there are certain rules that should be observed. It is a matter of personal freedom and not limiting the freedom of others. For me, that includes not interrupting people. I know that can happen in discussions, I do it myself. But it's nothing to be done on a regular basis, and if you still do, you should apologize. Plain disgusting things include boring in the nose, burping (might be OK at some occasions), farting and so on. People who eat with their mouth open gross me out. I also think that you should pay some respect to people older than you. That doesn't mean you have to do everything they say, it doesn't mean that you have to agree with everything they do, but you still should treat them with respect.
As for the last thing I mentioned, bad use of own language, that just drives me crazy. And I'm not talking about slang here or the misspellings that come when you type fast. I'm talking about people who think that it sounds better when they use a lot of foreign words, form long and complicated sentences, but don't do it right. That is just plain terrible. Just use words you know, and I'm fine with it. We can't be all Shakespeare. In fact, very few of us are, and I am no exception. That is nothing to be ashamed of. But to misuse your own language simply because a lack of knowledge, that is something I can't tolerate. So maybe this part is the same as the first thing I mentioned, stupidity. It boils down to the same, the lack of knowing your own abilities.
So I suppose I am an intolerant person. But you know what? I feel good about it. And I consider these points my way of judging people. Those who fall through the grid I most likely ignore and try to avoid.
That's me. If you can't live with that, bad luck.
Note: this does not apply to anybody on my friends list in particular, and not to the people I know in real life who know my LJ. The "you" I used is meant in a more general way

I'm an arrogant bitch.
I'm an arrogant bitch that's rather unsure of herself, and if you say that's a contradiction, so be it. I'm a woman, I have the right to be as contradictory as I want to.
Anyway, why do I come to that deep insight in my own personality?
I love to brag. And I do it in a way that sounds as if I'm talking badly about myself and my abilities, so people will feel induced to compliment me on what I do. I'm fishing for compliments all the time. I don't like that trait of my character, but I'm not sure whether I can change it.
So while on one hand, I see myself as the best in whatever I do, I always want to be reassured on it. And if I get the impression that I'm not the best at something, I'll find excuses for myself or stop doing the thing altogether.
And I have no idea why I am so afraid of being just average.
OK, so in my family it always was important to be good in school and with the musical instruments we all play and things, but usually my Mom's point of view was: if you did your best, then you can be proud of what you've reached.
Somehow this attitude got all twisted in my mind.
I have a good mind for learning. I graduated with the best possible result. So I should be proud. But I'm running around wanting people to applaud on it, telling me that I'm the best. Yet I don't like to say it right away when they ask how I did. I tell myself that this is because I don't want them to be envious, but I suppose in truth it's simply because I like them to beg me to tell them.
I can't pass a construction site without expecting wolf whistles from the workers there. I don't pretend to be offended at that, I like it. But it still is rather strange to expect it.
I really, really wonder what made me be this way.
Maybe thinking about it will help me come up with a possible solution.