[personal profile] dream_labyrinth
I'm an arrogant bitch.
I'm an arrogant bitch that's rather unsure of herself, and if you say that's a contradiction, so be it. I'm a woman, I have the right to be as contradictory as I want to.
Anyway, why do I come to that deep insight in my own personality?
I love to brag. And I do it in a way that sounds as if I'm talking badly about myself and my abilities, so people will feel induced to compliment me on what I do. I'm fishing for compliments all the time. I don't like that trait of my character, but I'm not sure whether I can change it.
So while on one hand, I see myself as the best in whatever I do, I always want to be reassured on it. And if I get the impression that I'm not the best at something, I'll find excuses for myself or stop doing the thing altogether.
And I have no idea why I am so afraid of being just average.
OK, so in my family it always was important to be good in school and with the musical instruments we all play and things, but usually my Mom's point of view was: if you did your best, then you can be proud of what you've reached.
Somehow this attitude got all twisted in my mind.
I have a good mind for learning. I graduated with the best possible result. So I should be proud. But I'm running around wanting people to applaud on it, telling me that I'm the best. Yet I don't like to say it right away when they ask how I did. I tell myself that this is because I don't want them to be envious, but I suppose in truth it's simply because I like them to beg me to tell them.
I can't pass a construction site without expecting wolf whistles from the workers there. I don't pretend to be offended at that, I like it. But it still is rather strange to expect it.
I really, really wonder what made me be this way.
Maybe thinking about it will help me come up with a possible solution.

Date: 2004-07-20 04:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agrathea.livejournal.com
I understand exactly how you feel. I think that's actually something that comes from one type of insecurity, is a sort of arrogance. I know because I certainly have experienced that on more than one occasion.

It's certainly hard to remind myself at those times that I should be doing things for my own self-gratification. I know my mother was actually quite hard on me and it took a lot to impress her because she was so hard on herself, too. So I was always trying to get acknowledgement from her, to live up to her higher standards. I found out one day in high school that she bragged incessantly on me at work when she wouldn't even mention being impressed to me.

Luckily I've had some friends that have reminded me how impressive a person can be without even trying at all... It's the only thing that has tempered me, their dominating, yet subtle presence. I could never change on my own.

Date: 2004-07-21 12:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dream-labyrinth.livejournal.com
Thank you. It's good to know that I'm not the only person with this problem. And the fact that you have gotten over it gives me hope for myself, too. There certainly is no trace of arrogance in your posts, even though with all the things you do you'd surely have reason.

Date: 2004-07-22 10:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agrathea.livejournal.com
I haven't really gotten over it completely, but having good examples around helps, for sure.

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dream_labyrinth

August 2012

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