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Oct. 25th, 2004 07:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dream_labyrinthI just had my last clarinet lesson. And it was - weird.
In my very first LJ entry I have talked about the feeling of so many changes in my life. That was when the ned of my studies was in sight. Now I'm starting a new job next week, in a new town. (A new career in a new town - dammit, Bowie's everywhere.)
I got my own health insurance today, I need to get out of the contracts with the music school and the sports studio, need to return my clarinet (I borrowed it from the school), need to tell the unemployment agency that I have a job, need to decide what to take with me for the first weeks or so, need to find out where I will live in the beginning, need to find out how much money I'll actually have after all the taxes are paid and need to find out what I can afford with that money. In a bureaucratic sense, I'm just now becoming a human being.
And with all these things I need to do, with so much beginning and ending in my life, all I want to do is sit back for a moment and watch the clouds, watch the leaves fall and not do anything.
My life was naturally heading for this point. I was never the person to regret leaving school, because it was just what followed logically after starting school.
You are born, you go to school, you go to university, you start a job. It's just the way things are.
Then why do I feel so lost?
In my very first LJ entry I have talked about the feeling of so many changes in my life. That was when the ned of my studies was in sight. Now I'm starting a new job next week, in a new town. (A new career in a new town - dammit, Bowie's everywhere.)
I got my own health insurance today, I need to get out of the contracts with the music school and the sports studio, need to return my clarinet (I borrowed it from the school), need to tell the unemployment agency that I have a job, need to decide what to take with me for the first weeks or so, need to find out where I will live in the beginning, need to find out how much money I'll actually have after all the taxes are paid and need to find out what I can afford with that money. In a bureaucratic sense, I'm just now becoming a human being.
And with all these things I need to do, with so much beginning and ending in my life, all I want to do is sit back for a moment and watch the clouds, watch the leaves fall and not do anything.
My life was naturally heading for this point. I was never the person to regret leaving school, because it was just what followed logically after starting school.
You are born, you go to school, you go to university, you start a job. It's just the way things are.
Then why do I feel so lost?
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no subject
Date: 2004-10-25 06:32 pm (UTC)Find yourself
Funny that you say that. I usually am one of the people who believe it's impossible to find yourself, because it's impossible to lose yourself in the first place. Which might explain why I'm having such a hard time right now.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-25 08:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-25 08:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-26 05:07 am (UTC)But I think humans are meant to remain in motion like water, or become foul and bitter like a stagnant pond. Just take a deep breath and trust in the time when you will no longer feel lost. It will come if you keep putting one foot in front of the other. *hugs*
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Date: 2004-10-26 07:00 am (UTC)I like that comparison to water. True, staying in one place too long, whether physically or emotionally, is not good for us.