brain drain
Oct. 21st, 2004 05:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dream_labyrinthI've worked some more on translations.
I know that my vocabulary is limited. But it serves me well, and I really don't see the need to know all this special agriculture-related vocabulary.
The dictionaries I have don't help much, so tomorrow I need to go to the university and check some agrucultural dictionaries. Then I will finally be able to type the stuff up, make a decent word document out of it and get rid of it. And bill them for every damn hour of my life I wasted on that.
Once I pay my share of the internet bill, there might actually be something left, which would come in handy now that I have to get myself an apartment.
Not that I intend on buying a place, but even rent has to be paid with money.
I feel like getting some sleep, but I can't really sleep during the day. It seems such a waste of time. Instead, I had Ashwinder chose a random fic for me to read, and that's what I'm going to do. Ive done that several times before, and it is fun because you don't know what to expect. The last time it was a long story rated NC-17, I think, this time I got a two-chapter PG story. A little like taking a random book from a shelve in a library. You know from the area within the library that these books are about something that interest you. But you don't know what the book is going to be like before you start reading. I like to browse in bookstores and libraries, and this is a good substitute that doesn't require leaving the house.
The desire not to leave the house is something prejudice has reserved for computer geeks. Which is a group of people I absolutely don't fit, given that I know little more than how to switch a computer on and off. But I am a librarian, which, according to prejudice, is another group of people who prefer solitude.
For me, the only reason why I prefer being alone is that company tends to bore me very quickly. And if people see me smile even after a long day of being in their company, it's more likely to be because I am amused by them than actually enjoying their company. Perhaps there will come a time when I like to sit with people and talk about anything from the beginning of creation to the end of the world. Have a nice dinner, then sit in comfortable chairs with a drink and discuss. Like you see people on TV sometimes. As it is now, the family dinner for me is a time to get something to eat, as eating is essential for surviving. Otherwise, it is a waste of time and a nerve-racking eperience, no matter whether I am supposed to participate in a conversation or not.
Part of the problem is the company. I have had times when I could sit for hours and talk with people. But part of the problem is me.
Maybe it's because I grew up in a large family. But being alone is something I hardly ever get enough of. And if I need company, I want to be the one to choose.
Back when I started university, some people told me it was a bad idea to live at home. Because I would miss all the fun, stayig out with fellow students in some bar, going to parties, sharing a flat. For one thing, this was no concern ofthe people who deemed it necessary to advice me. For the other, it was so contrary to anything I was at that time, it is incredible they came up with the idea at all. At home, I had my own room and a bathroom only shared with my little brother, who didn't make much use of it. I had places to go if I didn't want to be bothered by anybody. And I had somebody to cook meals for me and wash my clothes. It was perfect for somebody as selfish and egocentric as I am.
When I went to America, I enjoyed the company. I enjoyed working with people in the library, I enjoyed being together with the staff. Coming home in the evenings, I would go up to my room until dinner, then spend the evening with my "adopted family", and I enjoyed it. They were so different from my own family. It wasn't all peace and quiet, there were quarrels and discussions, and you can't really keep up the guest-appropriate behaviour for six months anyway, but no matter what, I felt that this family was held together by love much stronger than my own. I was happy and thankful to be a part of it, and I envied them a little.
I love my family, I really do. But there are so many things that I wish they wouldn't do, that I know they say to hurt each other just to feel superior for a moment. The time in America showed me that this wasn't the way family life had to be.
Then I lived on my own for a month. There were times I felt incredibly lonely, times when I felt lost. But I also enjoyed being on my own, having nobody to see and judge my coming and going, not being bound by other people's schedules.
Moving back with my parents, I had a very hard time to adjust. I don't think I really did again.
And I know that now is the perfect time to move out. Because I am ready for it. I have peeked into several options of "living with others", and I have decided which one fits my needs best. And finally I can do what I feel I need to do, what I want to do.
Perhaps this is just a normal part of growing up, most likely it is. But it is new for me.
I don't really know why I am rambling on and on. It isn't as if I had something unique to say. As all of my posts, this is just inspired by the desire to put my feelings into words and share with others. (Yes, of course share with others. If I didn't want to share I would keep a "normal" journal.)
toll the bell
pay the private eye
All's well
the twentieth century dies
Some lyrics seem to never want to leave my mind.
I know that my vocabulary is limited. But it serves me well, and I really don't see the need to know all this special agriculture-related vocabulary.
The dictionaries I have don't help much, so tomorrow I need to go to the university and check some agrucultural dictionaries. Then I will finally be able to type the stuff up, make a decent word document out of it and get rid of it. And bill them for every damn hour of my life I wasted on that.
Once I pay my share of the internet bill, there might actually be something left, which would come in handy now that I have to get myself an apartment.
Not that I intend on buying a place, but even rent has to be paid with money.
I feel like getting some sleep, but I can't really sleep during the day. It seems such a waste of time. Instead, I had Ashwinder chose a random fic for me to read, and that's what I'm going to do. Ive done that several times before, and it is fun because you don't know what to expect. The last time it was a long story rated NC-17, I think, this time I got a two-chapter PG story. A little like taking a random book from a shelve in a library. You know from the area within the library that these books are about something that interest you. But you don't know what the book is going to be like before you start reading. I like to browse in bookstores and libraries, and this is a good substitute that doesn't require leaving the house.
The desire not to leave the house is something prejudice has reserved for computer geeks. Which is a group of people I absolutely don't fit, given that I know little more than how to switch a computer on and off. But I am a librarian, which, according to prejudice, is another group of people who prefer solitude.
For me, the only reason why I prefer being alone is that company tends to bore me very quickly. And if people see me smile even after a long day of being in their company, it's more likely to be because I am amused by them than actually enjoying their company. Perhaps there will come a time when I like to sit with people and talk about anything from the beginning of creation to the end of the world. Have a nice dinner, then sit in comfortable chairs with a drink and discuss. Like you see people on TV sometimes. As it is now, the family dinner for me is a time to get something to eat, as eating is essential for surviving. Otherwise, it is a waste of time and a nerve-racking eperience, no matter whether I am supposed to participate in a conversation or not.
Part of the problem is the company. I have had times when I could sit for hours and talk with people. But part of the problem is me.
Maybe it's because I grew up in a large family. But being alone is something I hardly ever get enough of. And if I need company, I want to be the one to choose.
Back when I started university, some people told me it was a bad idea to live at home. Because I would miss all the fun, stayig out with fellow students in some bar, going to parties, sharing a flat. For one thing, this was no concern ofthe people who deemed it necessary to advice me. For the other, it was so contrary to anything I was at that time, it is incredible they came up with the idea at all. At home, I had my own room and a bathroom only shared with my little brother, who didn't make much use of it. I had places to go if I didn't want to be bothered by anybody. And I had somebody to cook meals for me and wash my clothes. It was perfect for somebody as selfish and egocentric as I am.
When I went to America, I enjoyed the company. I enjoyed working with people in the library, I enjoyed being together with the staff. Coming home in the evenings, I would go up to my room until dinner, then spend the evening with my "adopted family", and I enjoyed it. They were so different from my own family. It wasn't all peace and quiet, there were quarrels and discussions, and you can't really keep up the guest-appropriate behaviour for six months anyway, but no matter what, I felt that this family was held together by love much stronger than my own. I was happy and thankful to be a part of it, and I envied them a little.
I love my family, I really do. But there are so many things that I wish they wouldn't do, that I know they say to hurt each other just to feel superior for a moment. The time in America showed me that this wasn't the way family life had to be.
Then I lived on my own for a month. There were times I felt incredibly lonely, times when I felt lost. But I also enjoyed being on my own, having nobody to see and judge my coming and going, not being bound by other people's schedules.
Moving back with my parents, I had a very hard time to adjust. I don't think I really did again.
And I know that now is the perfect time to move out. Because I am ready for it. I have peeked into several options of "living with others", and I have decided which one fits my needs best. And finally I can do what I feel I need to do, what I want to do.
Perhaps this is just a normal part of growing up, most likely it is. But it is new for me.
I don't really know why I am rambling on and on. It isn't as if I had something unique to say. As all of my posts, this is just inspired by the desire to put my feelings into words and share with others. (Yes, of course share with others. If I didn't want to share I would keep a "normal" journal.)
toll the bell
pay the private eye
All's well
the twentieth century dies
Some lyrics seem to never want to leave my mind.
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no subject
Date: 2004-10-22 04:54 am (UTC)When you're in the Army, you'll be able to choose who you make friends with, you'll be able to choose your company. And sometimes I think we can get a better idea of who we are by the friends we choose.