dream_labyrinth

Day after day
They send my friends away
To mansions cold and grey
To the far side of town
Where the thin men stalk the streets
While the sane stay underground

Day after day
They tell me I can go
They tell me I can blow
To the far side of town
Where it's pointless to be high
'Cos it's such a long way down

So I tell them that
I can fly, I will scream, I will break my arm
I will do me harm
Here I stand, foot in hand, talking to my wall
I'm not quite right at all... am I?

Don't set me free, I'm as heavy as can be
Just my librium and me
And my E.S.T. makes three

'Cos I'd rather stay here
With all the madmen
Than perish with the sad men roaming free
And I'd rather play here
With all the madmen
For I'm quite content they're all as sane
As me

(Where can the horizon lie
When a nation hides
Its organic minds
In a cellar...dark and grim
They must be very dim)

Day after day
They take some brain away
Then turn my face around
To the far side of town
And tell me that it's real
Then ask me how I feel

Here I stand, foot in hand, talking to my wall
I'm not quite right at all

Don't set me free, I'm as helpless as can be
My libido's split on me
Gimme some good old lobotomy

'Cos I'd rather stay here
With all the madmen
Than perish with the sad men
Roaming free
And I'd rather play here
With all the madmen
For I'm quite content
They're all as sane as me

Ever since I woke up this morning, All the madmen has been sticking in my brain. I didn't even listen to it in ages!
I'm not quite right at all
That's exactly how I feel. But it still is rare for me to have a song in my mind so completely that I can't drown it out with something else (not even the Labyrinth soundtrack, I tried). It feels as if somebody has put a cd player in my head and turned the volume up as far as possible.
I'm actually hearing it, just as I would if I had the CD on.
Probably that's a way of stress manifesting itself in my life, but it's a first.

I tried to get a nice blouse for my interview today. Something more formal than a simple shirt, but less formal than a white blouse, because I want to wear black pants and don't want to look as if I just came for a funeral. I had thought of a light color, long sleeves (it's getting cold outside) and at least the possibility to button it up.
Impossible.
Or at least impossible if I didn't want to spend 80 Euros for a blouse.
So I can't have the good feeling of wearing something new and just find something in my closet to work with. It isn't as if I didn't have anything to wear, to be honest, but since when was necessity a criterion for buying something.

I can fly, I can scream, I will break my arm...
It isn't getting better. Thirteen hours I have been listening to this one. single. song.

And to make my day, MSN messenger isn't working. No internet connection, yeah right. And I'm getting on LJ by sheer will power, I suppose.
Nope, this time they figured out that it's their problem. "Service unavailable" Now that's something in customer information. I'd never be able to figure that out on my own.

My Grandma should have come to visit tomorrow. Meaning, I should have gone to Leipzig to pick her up. But she called today to tell us she's not coming. Doesn't feel well. Darn it, she's hiding in that apartment of hers (looking out over a busy street and teh slightest beam of sun heats that place up so you could fry an egg on the floor) and pitying herself, no wonder she's always feeling ill. She doesn't do much all day than thinking about whether the feeling in her head might be the first sign of a dangerous disease, the twitching in her toe proof of the fact that she shouldn't walk any further than from living room to bathroom.
I know her health isn't very good, but she could be better if she would try. But it seems as if she doesn't want to try. She likes to use her illnesses as an excuse not to do things she doesn't feel like doing.
And frankly, I don't know what to do to get her out of that way of life.
Because I'm not the person in whose house she lives, and I can't be with her every day. Whenever I visit her I try to get her out for a walk, but she gets upset quickly if she feels somebody's not treating her with the respect she deserves, and that includes telling her what she needs to do.
And it isn't as if she's senile or anything. Her brain is pretty much OK. So all I can do is try and reason with her to make her understand that we want to have her around for a while.
If she had agreed to live with us back when my Grandfather died, I think she would be better of. She would still live in a more rural area, as she has all her life, she could open a window and still be able to hear herself talk, there wouldn't be trams passing by her bedroom window every half-hour or so from five in the morning until 11 at night.
And she would be in her birthplace, with the people she went to school with.
But she refused to even think about it, because of her sister, who also lives here, and they can't stand each other.
And then my aunt just took over, doing everything for my Grandma, deciding which furniture to take and which to sell, what to do with things that had been collected over 50 years of marriage, decided where she shoudl live and how.
She can't even get her cigarettes herself, because there's no shopping place she can get to on foot, and she doesn't drive anymore. Wouldn't dare to in town anyway.
And now that my aunt has her will and has my Grandma live in her house, she doesn't give her anything but medical attention. She's a nurse, so she does that job well, but sometimes my Grandma just needs a hug, or somebody who listens to her. And she wouldn't call anybody, because my Grandpa always got upset if somebody talked on the phone for longer than 5 minutes, and she still has this habit.

Sometimes just everything sucks. Don't set me free, I'm as helpless as can be.