![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dream_labyrinthMy brother-in-law is a great person. He really is. He is nice and friendly and tries to help wherever he can, and he has some great ideas and is fun to talk to and he tries not to hurt anybody with what he says. Which is quite unusual in my rather outspoken, so-what-if-it-hurts-you family, and needs some getting used to.
It's his birthday on Saturday. One of the people that remind you of the fact that 9/11 existed even before 2001.
So my sister and he came down yesterday to celebrate with us. He's going to be 30.
It's really sad actually. He doesn't have contact with his family. He doesn't talk much about it, but his childhood must have been really terrible. He grew up with his grandparents, as his mother was too busy with other things. His father never enters the picture, as his mother divorced that guy even before Y. was born, and the man she was married to when Y. was born didn't last very long in that family either. And apparently his grandparents were quick to "punish" by hitting him or locking him in his room. So it isn't really a wonder he doesn't want to have contact with them, but it is still sad.
So what he sees with us is the first real family life he gets in contact with, and this is rather stupid, as we by no means are a very good family. We are really hard to deal with, and everyone of us has his or her fads, and we are all pretty arrogant and don't really listen to others and everything.
For birthdays, the person whose birthday it is has to come up with things he wants for lunch or dinner, what cakes, who to invite and what to do. For us, this is easy. We've done that all our lives, and there are some things we always chose. For Y., it is so much harder. It seems as if nobody ever really cared about what he wanted and what he liked. And my mom just goes like "Tell me what you want", and she kind of gets annoyed if he doesn't come up with anything. She tries to hide it, but we still all know. So probably she doesn't try to hide it but just pretends to, because that it would be polite to do, but she wants us to know that she's upset. Gosh, just to think of introducing a potential boyfriend to my family gives me the creeps.
Anyway, so Y. is completely at a loss, and he has no idea what to say. He doesn't live down here, so he also doesn't really know what there is to do or see in this area. And for inviting guests, all his friends are in Berlin, and won't come down. He wants to be here because he wants to celebrate with the family. But there is this one guy, my sister's godfather and an old family friend. (Actually, a friend of my mother's parents, somewhere in between in age.) He needs to be invited no matter what, ecven though Y. is not too comfortable around that guy. Understandable, as that guy was in love with my sister and quite jealous at Y.
This is all so complicated, and so difficult to weed through.
Y. really tries his best to fit in. My parents especially are not very good in accepting anything that is different from what they are. They don't accept values different from theirs, or priorities they don't have. (But my dad' priority is money, and my mom's isn't, so that causes trouble anyway.) They are making it hard for him. And my sister isn't that much of a help either. (My relationship to my sister is rather tensed, worthy of an own post. Not this time.)
So Y. tries to be himself and still get along with probably the only family he's going to get. (Until he and K. have children, but I don't see that happening anytime soon.) And I think we're making it harder for him than it needs to be. When I lived in America, the family I was staying with made it so easy for me to feel at home and to belong, I know it is possible.
It is getting better now, but still there are way too many situations where my mom shows off all the things she knows, or my dad talks down on Y. for no other reason that because he always does. Yeah, they do that to us, too, but we are used to it. Y. isn't.
Probably what I want is that my family changes. We don't have to become a family that looks like we all just jumped out of Pleasantville or something, but just get along better and be more able to accept that the others aren't perfect, but neither are we ourselves. Not giving up ourselves but still be open to new ideas and new ways of life that come with new family members.
Maybe I am asking too much. A family like that wouldn't really be my family anymore.
If this post had a point, I forgot it.
It's his birthday on Saturday. One of the people that remind you of the fact that 9/11 existed even before 2001.
So my sister and he came down yesterday to celebrate with us. He's going to be 30.
It's really sad actually. He doesn't have contact with his family. He doesn't talk much about it, but his childhood must have been really terrible. He grew up with his grandparents, as his mother was too busy with other things. His father never enters the picture, as his mother divorced that guy even before Y. was born, and the man she was married to when Y. was born didn't last very long in that family either. And apparently his grandparents were quick to "punish" by hitting him or locking him in his room. So it isn't really a wonder he doesn't want to have contact with them, but it is still sad.
So what he sees with us is the first real family life he gets in contact with, and this is rather stupid, as we by no means are a very good family. We are really hard to deal with, and everyone of us has his or her fads, and we are all pretty arrogant and don't really listen to others and everything.
For birthdays, the person whose birthday it is has to come up with things he wants for lunch or dinner, what cakes, who to invite and what to do. For us, this is easy. We've done that all our lives, and there are some things we always chose. For Y., it is so much harder. It seems as if nobody ever really cared about what he wanted and what he liked. And my mom just goes like "Tell me what you want", and she kind of gets annoyed if he doesn't come up with anything. She tries to hide it, but we still all know. So probably she doesn't try to hide it but just pretends to, because that it would be polite to do, but she wants us to know that she's upset. Gosh, just to think of introducing a potential boyfriend to my family gives me the creeps.
Anyway, so Y. is completely at a loss, and he has no idea what to say. He doesn't live down here, so he also doesn't really know what there is to do or see in this area. And for inviting guests, all his friends are in Berlin, and won't come down. He wants to be here because he wants to celebrate with the family. But there is this one guy, my sister's godfather and an old family friend. (Actually, a friend of my mother's parents, somewhere in between in age.) He needs to be invited no matter what, ecven though Y. is not too comfortable around that guy. Understandable, as that guy was in love with my sister and quite jealous at Y.
This is all so complicated, and so difficult to weed through.
Y. really tries his best to fit in. My parents especially are not very good in accepting anything that is different from what they are. They don't accept values different from theirs, or priorities they don't have. (But my dad' priority is money, and my mom's isn't, so that causes trouble anyway.) They are making it hard for him. And my sister isn't that much of a help either. (My relationship to my sister is rather tensed, worthy of an own post. Not this time.)
So Y. tries to be himself and still get along with probably the only family he's going to get. (Until he and K. have children, but I don't see that happening anytime soon.) And I think we're making it harder for him than it needs to be. When I lived in America, the family I was staying with made it so easy for me to feel at home and to belong, I know it is possible.
It is getting better now, but still there are way too many situations where my mom shows off all the things she knows, or my dad talks down on Y. for no other reason that because he always does. Yeah, they do that to us, too, but we are used to it. Y. isn't.
Probably what I want is that my family changes. We don't have to become a family that looks like we all just jumped out of Pleasantville or something, but just get along better and be more able to accept that the others aren't perfect, but neither are we ourselves. Not giving up ourselves but still be open to new ideas and new ways of life that come with new family members.
Maybe I am asking too much. A family like that wouldn't really be my family anymore.
If this post had a point, I forgot it.
