dream_labyrinth (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
dream_labyrinth) wrote2006-07-28 10:11 am
dream_labyrinth) wrote2006-07-28 10:11 am
Entry tags:
behind the veil
Several times over the past few days, I was given the impression that my presence was appreciated.
That always makes me happy, often more happy than is logical. (The fact that somebody doesn't get up immediately when I sit down at the same table is no reason for exxagerated grins, it's likely simple politeness.)
But it also makes me wonder why people would want me around.
I feel like I am just pretending to be something I am not, I somehow manage to give people the impression I am nice and friendly and interesting, but it's all lies.
And sooner or later people will realise I am just a fraud and they will turn away.
And when I meet new people, some of them give me the impression that they know. They are friendly and nice, but there is something about them that makes me think they know I'm just pretending, and they keep me on the edge and have me worried about if or rather when they will unmask me and will show everybody the ugly reality of what I am.
That always makes me happy, often more happy than is logical. (The fact that somebody doesn't get up immediately when I sit down at the same table is no reason for exxagerated grins, it's likely simple politeness.)
But it also makes me wonder why people would want me around.
I feel like I am just pretending to be something I am not, I somehow manage to give people the impression I am nice and friendly and interesting, but it's all lies.
And sooner or later people will realise I am just a fraud and they will turn away.
And when I meet new people, some of them give me the impression that they know. They are friendly and nice, but there is something about them that makes me think they know I'm just pretending, and they keep me on the edge and have me worried about if or rather when they will unmask me and will show everybody the ugly reality of what I am.
no subject
Don't give in to the voice telling you it is all lies, because that is the voice lying... And there are some people who really will not turn away no matter what. I guess that is a lot of what love is really about. And, being one of my dear, dear friends, I love you.
no subject
Thanks.
Somehow, I am so used to people not liking me that I can never trust them if they do.