decisions

I am no longer begging.

On Friday, some of the people I studied with arranged to meet at a pub in Leipzig. Nobody was invited specifically, but word was spread via our mailing list.
And I decided I would not go.

While we were still studying, it sometimes happened they arranged a party or something and I only heard about it at the last moment because somebody mentioned it in my presence. They would then tell me that sure I could come if I wanted, and often I would come. And feel out of place and unwanted. Until somebody needed me to drive them home.

I would do everything to give them the impression it was good to have me around. If they didn't want me, at least they should need me. So I became the person who'd pay for drinks if somebody didn't have enough money, I'd drive through the whole town to drop people off at their homes or pick them up or bring stuff from point A to point B.
But it's no longer what I want to do.

I don't want people to take me along because they can make use of me. I don't want people to like me the way I am, because that gives the impression they like me even though I am the way I am, and I'd rather they like me because of the way I am.

I believe I have friends now. I don't need to go begging on my knees to be noticed, I just need to learn to get up again.

When I started friending people on LJ, I was nervous as heck every time. I remember that with some people, I was feeling like a medieval peasant who has just walked up to his king, slapped his back and said "Hey dude, how're you doing?" I was expecting being ignored or a cutting response asking me how I dared to approach them. But it didn't happen. Instead, people welcomed me, they were friendly and open and suddenly I didn't feel left out anymore.

And now I have come to the point where I feel safe enough to quit begging the others for attention. What do I care what my former classmates and fellow students think of me? I don't need them. I have better friends than they could ever be. I don't need to change to be what they want, because what I am is what others want.

It's scary. It feels a bit like a dream and I am afraid I will wake up any minute and everything will be as it was.
Hell, if it exists, is not a hot, fiery place with devils running around. It is a place very much like this world, where people turn their backs when you approach.

in other news

I ws at the Leipzig Book Fair Friday and Saturday and there were way too many people. Some good costumes for the Manga Cosplay Contest, though.

I finally got around to read Neil Gaiman's Neverwhere and totally love it. I like it even better than the Sandman comics. wolflady26, thank you so much for giving me that to read!

For my vacation this summer, I am thinking about Ireland. Specifically, this journey by a German travel company who specialises in trips that are more than the tourist traps and the hotel pool. The have special offers for singles, this is one, and are known for very good travel guides, well-planned tours and generally good service. They're not the world's cheapest company ever, but that's to be expected. The good thing is, they give you free time to do stuff on your own as well as with the group. And this specific tour sounds really good.

There's a trip to a guinness brewery and a whiskey distillery included which would likely be wasted on me, but I've been to German wineries, why not see an Irish brewery and a distillery?