Random thoughts

Firstly, I'd like to note that I am a cruel person.

A mouse just recently came to our dog in a clearly suicidal fashion. However, I did not save it and kill it in a quick, mercyful way but rather let the dog kill it and only disposed of the body later on. Apparently, mice are interesting to play with but don't taste very well. At least to our dog.


In other news, I just watched Rhythm is it, about a project of Sir Simon Rattle to get 250 kids from schools in Berlin to do a dance performance of Strawinski's "Sacre du printemps". Most of the kids had never danced before. They were kids that nobody thought would do anything special. At the first rehearsal, they couldn't even shut up for long enough to understand what the choreographer was telling them what to do. Some of the kids spoke little German, and now there was Royston Maldoom telling them in English to shut up and do what he told them.
And it worked. These kids, slowly, with many setbacks, learnt not only the dance performance, but they learnt that hard work yields results, they became more comfortable with their own bodies, they changed.

The film was very interesting. For example, four kids from one school were, in the opinion of Royston and the other dance instructor, good enough to join one of the other dance groups as well, one that did more professional parts.
And the school teachers of these kids were all like Oh, I don't think that is a good idea, it's so dangerous for them to go into another part of Berlin after dark...
Of course, the teachers have an interest to protect their pupils. But it seemed they were doing that so much that they kept the kids away from what they could achieve. There was another very interesting scene, when one teacher told Royston to be nicer, to explain step-by-step what the kids should do, while he was trying to give them space to interpret what he told them, and find a way that was comfortable for them to do the movements. The teacher explained in an interview that she thought it was too difficult for the kids, they had reached their limit. And then there was another interview with one of the participants, who said that all the kids had still room to grow, that just needed to be pushed a little but further, they had not reached their limit at all.

Also, one of the dance instructors said she wanted to give them a chance to leave behind their everyday problems. Because then they would have the opportunity to put those problems into perspective. And it seemed to work.

It was really interesting to see.

Schools in Berlin are notorious for having horrible, unbehaved, violent kids. And suddenly, they stand in line, not talking, learning about discipline, getting a feel for their bodies, and they're enjoying it.
And Royston was by no means nice to them. He likely wasn't nearly as strict as he would have been with professional dancers, but he told them what's what, and there was one moment when everything was close to falling apart - but the kids decided they wanted to keep going, they wanted to do this.

It seemed as if the teachers had resigned themselves to be content if the kids weren't murdering each other. And here comes this guy who not only expects them not to murder each other, he also exoects a ton of other things. But he treated them like people with an opinion, people who had potential and people in whom he believed. He didn't act like they were the outcasts and he was the nice person to sacrifice time and effort to deal with them. He didn't act like he had just gotten down from some pedestal to talk to them.

He also said a great many very wise things. Early on, when the task was just to walk around in the gym making as little noise as posible (these kids starting talking the moment they started moving), he also started seperating friends, telling them to move into different directions for a while. Later on, when things were going badly because some people were just not taking it seriously, he told them that if they were making fun of everything because they were afraid of what their friends would say, they should probably start thinking about what kind of friends they had, because friends were people who supported you when you tried something new in your life, not people who made fun of you.

There was one girl in the group, one of the kids invited to join the other class as well. Very early on, she was interviewed about her family - her parents divorced when she was ten or so - and she had this typical expression on her face, the one that tries to make everyone believe she doesn't care anyway. She and her best friend were invited to that other group, and at the last moment her friend said she didn't want to go, she didn't have the time, she wanted to meet friends. And she went alone. Into a different part of town, to people she had never seen before, people with more dance experience, who were older, who came from better families and werebetter educated. At first, she felt totally lost. But she decided to stay. Because she wanted to do it.

Then there was this 16 year old boy from Nigeria. His parents were both dead, he said, and he had come to Germany alone. In the interview about his background, he said this one line that totally made me cry: "God wants me to be alone, so I have to get by on my own. Because I have to live." What sort of history must a kid have to say such a thing?
He also said that when it came to culture, Nigeria was much better, because culture was something that was with the people, whereas in Germany, there was no culture.

That went well with something Rattle said: we turned art into something that happens apart from our lives, for exclusive groups, away from everyday life.

Which explains why in Germany, so many orchestras and theatres are slowly dying because the governments of the provinces can't or won't finance them anymore, and they can't support themselves without that money.

It was obvious in the reactions of the teenagers to the music. Some listened to it beforehand and didn't really like it. Then they saw the orchestra play, and suddenly they felt the power, the energy.
I always thought that to really feel and understand music, you have to take part in it. Dancing, singing, playing - just seeing it from the inside.

Am I saying that once you give people instruments or teach them to dance, they'll all become healthy and successfull and there will be eternal peace on earth?
Surely not.
But give them the opportunity to see something outside their usual realm, give them the chance to learn, to feel, to put some distance between themselves and their problems, teach them confidence and give them the idea that there is probably more to life than they think, and you give them the chance to go and become healthy and successfull and maybe even stop fighting.

ETA: Here's a quote from the interview with Ryston Maldoom that I really liked (the whole interview is great, you can read it on the website under the "Background" section)
I really care about discipline. However much we may try to pretend that discipline is unimportant, this is not fair to them, because in life we need discipline. Whatever we think about it. Very often it begins by coming from outside, imposed, and then it must become our own discipline. Without it none of us has any kind of future. And we have to be honest with these young people, discipline matters! If you want to do something, than you have to find discipline. And I insist on this from the beginning. It's the only fair way to treat a young person.

Sometimes, I feel so alone I just curl up in my bed and cry.
And usually, there is no special reason for it. Mabye I'm manic-depressive, I don't know. When I feel down like that, nothing would really help.
It's not that I don't have friends. I do. Not many, but good friends. Some wouldn't mind if I called them in the middle of the night, either. But that is not what I miss.
It's simply the fact that I sleep alone, that I wake up alone, that there is nobody who shares my dreams and feelings. Sometimes I just want to cuddle up next to somebody at night, or see somebody I love when I wake up from a bad dream.
Sometimes I wish I could just go out on the street and throw myself into the arms of the first person who looks like he might be interested. But I'm not that crazy yet. And even though there have been times when I actually thought of suicide, I don't think I'd ever do that. So all that's left is lie in my bed and cry.
It's not that no man has ever been interested in me. I don't want to brag, but there have been a few, actually. The problem is not them, it's me. None of them was the kind of person I wouldn't forget as soon as I turn around. Only one made a big impression on me, and he is a memory I still cherish.
The thing that gets me down is that I somehow fear that I might never fall in love, that I'm not able to love somebody else more than myself. I have always been an egoist, and that has helped me to cope with problems I had. But what if that also is a problem itself? I don't think I could change that much.
So I feel lost and lonely and the only hope I have is that after a while, I'll be able to push these thoughts away and just get on with my life.

I guess I was just depressed this afternoon. So after writing my last entry, I actually got up and did some laundry. Just the picture of my brother walking up to his drill sergeant on monday and saying "Sorry that I'm not wearing my uniform, my sister didn't feel like doing housework this weekend." kind of made it sound like a nice idea. And then I got my camera and went for a walk. The weather is beautiful and quite warm, but I still decided to put on my winter boots and a jacket - I don't have the time to get seriously ill right now.
That walk made me realize once again how beautiful my surroundings are. I don't care too much for people and houses, so I went out in the country. There is a little river close by, and every time I came too close to that, I heard the frogs escape into the water. With spring turning to summer, everything is green. All kinds of flowers are blooming, attracting insects of all sizes.
I ended up crawling through the ruins of an old - well, I guess mansion would be the word. It used to be a large house of a rich family once. I never actually saw anybody live there. For a while, a gang of teenagers used it as their "headquarter", and either they or another gang burned it down. It may or may not have been an accident, I don't think anybody ever found out or cared to do so. Since there is no roof anymore and the floors upstairs have fallen down, nobody goes there anymore. There is something like a courtyard, you have to find a way through all kinds of weeds growing up to my waist to get there. But it certainly was worth it. There were several bushes of blackberries or raspberries (no fruit to tell me exactly what it was) blooming, and insects from flies to bees were buzzing around. I even saw a hornet. Right in the middle of it all there was a small bird. Protected by the thorns from any predator, and food flying right up to his beak. I guess that is how bird paradise looks like.
As a human, I felt like an intruder and a little bit like guest. As if the animals were telling me "Do what you want here but don't bother us. You are in our world now."
Seeing the plants slowly taking back the ground they lost when the house was built made me feel small and unimportant. It reminded me that I'm just a small part of nature, and one that doesn't serve a real purpose. I mean, nature would get along very well without us humans but we couldn't live without nature.
Apparently, many people didn't get any of these feelings around that place. I saw waste bags somebody had thrown into an old shed. There was an old TV in what might have been the backyard, beer cans and cigarette boxes. Really made me wonder whether these people deserve to get to places like that. Clearly they don't appreciate their existence. And it is no excuse to say that they just didn't think. Because if you take your garbage somewhere else, you know exactly what you are doing. And it is just not possible to live without thinking, or at least it shouldn't be.
But I shouldn't go on like that. I really enjoyed my walk. The sun did me a lot of good. I calmed down and relaxed and I'm ready for a nice evening now.

Today, I came across a quote that seems to hold a lot of truth:
Frauen haben heute mehr Rechte.
Mehr Macht hatten sie früher.
In my own translation:
Today women have more rights.
In they past, they had more power.
It's by Charles Aznavour. OK, so he's a man. But that doesn't mean he's wrong. I have heard that the Swiss women didn't fight for suffrage because they had their husbands so well in hand that the men voted for whatever the women wanted anyway.
Today, some men don't open doors for women anymore. They don't help you put your coat on. With the whole emancipation thing, I think we confused many men so much that they don't know what to do anymore. They don't want to give us the impression that we are weak ore something, but I personally wouldn't mind having a man come over to help me to check the pressure on my car's tires. Unfortunately, it never happens to me. Maybe I look too emancipated, or so young that men think I can do it on my own. Which is true. But these things are not a question of being able to. Some things I just don't like to do. Working on a car is one of them. Or working with machines, from lawn mower to chain saw. I did all that, as my father deemed it necessary for all of his kids to be able to do these things. But I would never refuse any help offered.
Today there was an article in the newspaper. Something about too few women in top positions. The secretary for women, family and social affairs or whatever her title is said that women apparently are not willing to put 150% of their energy into business. Her consequence was that we should let men do more work at home with the children.
Now let me get this straight: Even if we don't want to, we should leave our kids at home with our husbands or boyfriends and become managers of our companies???
If a woman prefers to have a career instead of kids, why not let her do it wihtout making a fuss over it. And the other way round: if a woman decides to give up work and stay home with the kids, don't treat her like some kind of monster, stabbing generations of fighters for women's rights in the back.
Same for men.
THAT would be true emancipation for me, if you can live your life the way you like without having it interpreted in any way connected with your sex.

Today I read something in the paper about how the budget for defence (wouldn't attack be a more appropriate name for it? Or at least War, as it has been for a long time - at least that was more to the point) has been increased all over the world. Half of the world's military budget, though, is spent by the US. Russia's increased big time, too. Are we back to Cold War here?
As for war crimes like what the US troops did in Iraqi prisons, I can only quote one of my favorite songs: "There's no such thing as a winnable war" (that's Sting: The Russians) - and the US apparently try hard to lose this one. And sorry if you don't agree with me, but to me it doesn't really matter who did what in Iraq. That is, I don't care what rank these soldiers have you see on the pictures from Abu Ghoreib. And I don't think it mattered to the Iraqis on the pictures either. I just think that this way of humiliating an Arab muslim has to be the consequence of a process of thinking hard. To torture them, or even to kill them, maybe would not have created as much protest in the Arab world than undressing them and all this. So I firmly believe that somebody ordered these things to happen, with the idea of deeply injuring and humiliating the Iraqi people. Why esle should they take photos of the whole thing?
Yes, I was against this war.
I think the American president should have been truthful enough to state the real reasons for it, not inventing some stories about weapons of mass destruction.
(Here's a joke I heard a few weeks ago: Bush keeps Saddam Hussein's revolver on his desk in the Oval Office. Why? To show to his guests as proof of the WMD in Iraq...)
I'm not sure what the true reason is, though. Was it revenge for his father? Or finishing the job Bush sr. has started? Was it to take the attention away from inner problems?
Anyway, after the war started, I hoped the USA would be smart enough to have a concept of what to do with Iraq once it was "liberated". Apparently, they don't. And apparently, they never gave a thought to the difference in mentality between an American and an Iraqi soldier.
When we saw the first pictures of Iraqis on their knees, handing over their guns to some American, I knew that this had to go wrong.
I always had the impression that Arabs in general are a proud people with a strong sense of honor. Dealing with them would have demanded much more respect for their different way of thinking than the American soldiers had been prepared to have. If they have been prepared at all for anything but the fighting part of the Operation.
It will take a long time for the wounds of this war to heal. And I really don't look forward to living through this time. I was always happy to live in a time and place that makes it unlikely for me to be involved in a war. Also because my brother is an officer in the German army and I don't want to see him off to Afghanistan or Iraq or wherever else the Americans deem it necessary to introduce the one and only acceptable way of life - theirs.
I don't like our chancellor, but in keeping us out of the war in Iraq, he has done something right for once.

The problem with armed conflicts today is that they can be out of control so easily.
Some German guy, I think he is a historian, once made a movie called The Third World War. It was made up like a documentary film, starting from the point that the German reunification in 1989 didn't take place, but that the Soviets send their army to stop the protests. Then the American and British troops stationed in West Germany reacted, and within a few weeks there was a new World War going on, with more effective weapons than ever before. The film ended with the Russians dropping an atom bomb over the baltic sea. If anything like that happens, nobody can imagine the consequences. This is just too much even to think about.
Have you ever relized that most science fiction movies start after a world wide desaster? I'm not talking about stuff like Star Trek, but about movies like Waterworld or The Snake. So maybe Science Fiction is not the right term. But anyway, the descriptions of these movies in the TV guide usually start with something like "After a war/environmental desaster/terrorist attack/... the survivors have...
So while many people think about how life will be after the fact, we really don't want to imagine the thing itself. Maybe it's a way of protecting ourselves against the almost unthinkable.

There' another thing on my mind lately. And that is Genetics. Or rather, the question of changing the DNA of plants - corn in Germany right now - to keep certain insects away. Greenpeace and other organisations destroy the fields were these plants are tested. So the so called green genetics is a bad thing. But what about the red genetics - fooling around with human DNA. Isn't it kind of stupid to refuse to eat corn with manipulated genes (We have done nothing but manipulating the DNA of domesticated plants and animals ever since the Stone Age - so please try to be sensible about this!) but to accept the idea of cloning children? There are parents who decide to have a second child just to have "spare parts" for the first one. But still, the opposition against the "Gene-Corn" is much stronger than against the excesses of some biologists.
I just don't understand this, it doesn't seem to make any sense. If it does to you, leave me a note, I'd be happy to get a new look on it.
Sometimes I wonder where all this will lead. But then again, even if I live to be a hundred, hopefully I don't have to see the end of it.
I just want to live long enough to see humanity take to space, maybe to meet one or two alien people. According to Star Trek and Babylon 5, this will happen somewhere in the 2060s, so chances are I might live to see it.
If I ever manage to earn a lot of money I'll book a space flight for vacation. It must be an incredibly moving experience to see the earth from that distance.

Well, for somebody who never managed to write a diary regularly, starting a journal on the web seems a little strange. I could be overestimating myself and never write anything again.
But no, not really. I love to talk, I do talk a lot about myself, and this is the perfect place to do it, as my poor readers can't give any feedback dangerous to me, like kicking my butt for gabbing. They also can read only a few lines at a time, much better than having me actually talk to them for hours on end...
Well, we'll see how this works out.
Yesterday, I handed in my last, final, never-again examination paper. Hopefully it will be the last. That means the end of my time in university is coming. It's a weird feeling. I mean, for the past 16 years, I've had some kind of schooling. That's not including Kindergarten. And now it's all over. I'm expected to find a job, earn money, move into my own apartment, all that stuff. I'll have to pay taxes, get my own insurance, and most likely my parents will be far far away. I don't expect to find a job anywhere near my home town. Don't get me wrong, it's exciting to move on with my life, and yes, one day I'd love to go to Maine and live there. But somehow, my dreams about living on my own never included the moving-out part of the story.
Plain and simple, I'm lost. I am a little scared, too, as I don't know how this will all work out. Germany's unemployment rates are soaring, and
"I don't ever want to play the part
of a statistic on a government chart."
(That's from The Police: Invisible Sun)
But I might not have the choice. I don't mean to brag, but I never really failed in anything that had to do with school or work or anything you could handle with brain power. (As long as it wasn't mathematics)
I know that not getting a job isn't the end of the world, but I never made the experience. There's a huge difference between knowing something in your head and knowing it in your heart...
Wow, what a negative way of getting started. But hey, a journal is about telling what you feel, and this is what I feel right now. Maybe it's because of the bad weather. It has been raining pretty much all day today, and I need the sun to feel comfortable.
Anyway, I'll wait for a better mood to write more.
Thanks for reading, guys.