I haven't been tagged, but as most everybody on my flist has done it, I'll do it too. You know, lemming, sheep and all that.

So, seven things / weird habit / quirks about me:

1. I talk to myself. In English, usually. And when I am angry at somebody I have to translate the rant I want to throw at them back from English to German, which is annoying as I oftentimes can't think of words to make it sound as sarcastic and mean in German as I had in English. Sometimes I do feel bad about that.

2. I am scared of teenagers. If I have to walk by a group of them, I get nervous and want to run and hide. Usually, I get agressive if I have to talk to them.

3. I have no desire to be rich just for the sake of being rich. Mostly because I know that money isn't actually worth anything, it's just an agreement between people that is more convenient than barter.

4. I love to watch home decorating shows on TV, I like to imagine new ways of arranging my furniture or make up a flat I might some day have. I'd also would like to learn how to build furniture and stuff myself.

5. I'm not really good at anything. The rest of my family is smarter and better educated than me, and except the fact that I speak English quite well, there's nothing remotely special about my abilities.

6. I can write porn, but I can't read my own stuff without cringing in shame, and I could never tell my family or people at work that I write porn.

7. I hate it when people inquire about my personal life, this includes being asked by people at work for my plans for the weekend. Partly it's because I feel like a failure for having no plans, but mostly it's because I simply don't like people very much.

7a. I should probably list my weird taste in music, too. Not everybody would go from Mötley Crüe to Pussycat Dolls to Backyard Babies in a matter of minutes.


Mar. 19th, 2006 01:10 pm
I am no longer begging.

On Friday, some of the people I studied with arranged to meet at a pub in Leipzig. Nobody was invited specifically, but word was spread via our mailing list.
And I decided I would not go.

While we were still studying, it sometimes happened they arranged a party or something and I only heard about it at the last moment because somebody mentioned it in my presence. They would then tell me that sure I could come if I wanted, and often I would come. And feel out of place and unwanted. Until somebody needed me to drive them home.

I would do everything to give them the impression it was good to have me around. If they didn't want me, at least they should need me. So I became the person who'd pay for drinks if somebody didn't have enough money, I'd drive through the whole town to drop people off at their homes or pick them up or bring stuff from point A to point B.
But it's no longer what I want to do.

I don't want people to take me along because they can make use of me. I don't want people to like me the way I am, because that gives the impression they like me even though I am the way I am, and I'd rather they like me because of the way I am.

I believe I have friends now. I don't need to go begging on my knees to be noticed, I just need to learn to get up again.

When I started friending people on LJ, I was nervous as heck every time. I remember that with some people, I was feeling like a medieval peasant who has just walked up to his king, slapped his back and said "Hey dude, how're you doing?" I was expecting being ignored or a cutting response asking me how I dared to approach them. But it didn't happen. Instead, people welcomed me, they were friendly and open and suddenly I didn't feel left out anymore.

And now I have come to the point where I feel safe enough to quit begging the others for attention. What do I care what my former classmates and fellow students think of me? I don't need them. I have better friends than they could ever be. I don't need to change to be what they want, because what I am is what others want.

It's scary. It feels a bit like a dream and I am afraid I will wake up any minute and everything will be as it was.
Hell, if it exists, is not a hot, fiery place with devils running around. It is a place very much like this world, where people turn their backs when you approach.
Am I intolerant?
Most likely.
Heck, yes.
I don't care about who people sleep with, as long as it isn't children (that's just mean), close relatives or animals (I'm sorry, but that's just plain disgusting. Plus, the poor things can't really say no). I don't give a damn if somebody prefers his/her own sex to the opposite. I don't care a lot about what people wear. I do think they should keep certain rules of decency if they go out in the public. I do think there are some women who dress up as if they work in the oldest trade of the world. I don't think it brave or a sign of self confidence if very large people dress invery tight, short clothes. But as long as I'm not forced to see it all the time, I'm fine with it. I'm not interested in the color of your skin or the hairstyle you have, and your political views -as long as they don't include harming other people.
Things I can't stand, even though that might make me intolerant, are stupidity, bad behavior and a lack of knowledge of your own language.
There are things people don't know. There are many things I don't know. But there is no excuse for not realizing the lack of knowledge and still talking about things I shouldn't talk about. It doesn't make me disrespect somebody if s/he says that he doesn't know enough about something to talk about it. I can't respect people who make complete fools out of themselves by uttering their dogmatic views about things they don't know about.
Good example: I hate it when my father - who studied agriculture - talks about the specific problems of librarianship. The last time he's seen the inside of a library was when he was still in university. Apart from that, his closest connection to libraries is being related to me. As he never listens to what we say about our experiences (because according to his rules, kids don't have anything important to say), that doesn't increase his knowledge of libraries. So he might as well not talk about it.
That is what I call stupidity.
As for the bad behavior, there are certain rules that should be observed. It is a matter of personal freedom and not limiting the freedom of others. For me, that includes not interrupting people. I know that can happen in discussions, I do it myself. But it's nothing to be done on a regular basis, and if you still do, you should apologize. Plain disgusting things include boring in the nose, burping (might be OK at some occasions), farting and so on. People who eat with their mouth open gross me out. I also think that you should pay some respect to people older than you. That doesn't mean you have to do everything they say, it doesn't mean that you have to agree with everything they do, but you still should treat them with respect.
As for the last thing I mentioned, bad use of own language, that just drives me crazy. And I'm not talking about slang here or the misspellings that come when you type fast. I'm talking about people who think that it sounds better when they use a lot of foreign words, form long and complicated sentences, but don't do it right. That is just plain terrible. Just use words you know, and I'm fine with it. We can't be all Shakespeare. In fact, very few of us are, and I am no exception. That is nothing to be ashamed of. But to misuse your own language simply because a lack of knowledge, that is something I can't tolerate. So maybe this part is the same as the first thing I mentioned, stupidity. It boils down to the same, the lack of knowing your own abilities.
So I suppose I am an intolerant person. But you know what? I feel good about it. And I consider these points my way of judging people. Those who fall through the grid I most likely ignore and try to avoid.
That's me. If you can't live with that, bad luck.
Note: this does not apply to anybody on my friends list in particular, and not to the people I know in real life who know my LJ. The "you" I used is meant in a more general way



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