Work: stuck in 2001 - apparently, the digital pictures we had of this time were deleted. Some of them are stored in the CDs with the 2002 pictures, which means going through six CDs of pictures with names as DSCN000435 to find some that were made in 2001. (Did you expect there would be a list of events for the pictures or anything????)

Laptop: not going to be here for the next four weeks as my coworker is doing a course and isn't here. But I am going to get the latest model of that laptop for the same price!

Car: I sent the money for the Carisma. The Lancer didn't want to play very well on Saturday. Going to take it on a tour today so it won't get bored, then it'll hopefully bring me home Friday.

Social life: Tobias is annoyed at me not going out with him. I went with Alexandra (she's the French and Spanish translator for the school) to watch the Geisha movie on Saturday and then we sat up at her place until 4 or so and talked. It seems I can't stop myself from telling the rape story to all kinds of people.
Also, I am working on my cross-stitch picture a lot, which is not a social activity.
Alexandra knows Labyrinth. She therefore is the only German I know who knew of that movie without me telling them.

Health: having a bit of a cold and an annoying headache for days. And the blood pressure is not really on a good working level, but then it never is.

Weather: today mixture of snow and sun. Supposed to start snowing again tomorrow and rain Thursday and Friday. This is going to suck, car-wise.

Friday is my birthday.
I was looking for an explanation of the acronym MADOC, and instead I found the legend of a Welsh prince who discovered America.

Also, the first round of writing the text up to 2006 is done.
Let me repeat that: Done. DONE. D-O-N-E.

Now all that's left is including some information I have only gotten recently or that are already in and only need to be double checked. I am getting there!
I went to church this morning because I am a good girl.

I dreamt last night that I owned a cat who tranformed into a guy at night.

I watched "Maid in Manhattan" yesterday. Jennifer Lopez can NOT act. Ralph Fiennes is pretty... pretty. I hate the way movie titles get translated. What is the point in "translating" Maid in Manhattan into "Manhattan Love Story"? You can't translate puns, but please do not create a different English title to sell as German title. Even worse than the ridiculous titles they usually give English movies.

I'm done with 2002.

I love you guys because when I go begging for comments, you really answer. You rock!
Just a note to tell you guys I am not really online these days.
I'm in a weird mood that makes me want to receive lots of LJ comments daily even though I neither am a very good reader of the flist nor a very good writer of posts.
I am still alive and more or less kicking. After stopping myself much too shortly before a complete breakdown due to insane amounts of stress I put myself under, I am working on living again.

I also told Tobias that I am not going to have a relationship with a man who is otherwise committed. Yeah, maybe his honesty kicked him in the gut. But last week one of my friends basically asked me whether I knew Tobias had a family, so even if he had lied to me, I'd have found out sooner or later.

I learnt last week that Bernd, one of my good friends, is going to leave. And this right after I got a mail from Cathy that kinda made me sad, too.
That's the thing about army friends that really sucks: they are only there for a limited time.

Whatever. Going to have some lunch now. Walked to Hammelburg and back this morning as I noticed yesterday I need to do something about my figure. (Noticed that when I bought a blouse I do not need but which cost only 5 Euros and is really nice.)
For that same reason I bought wrist / ankle weights (1 kilogram each) to use when I work out in my room or the fitness center.
Promised myself to eat less, especially not eat late.
Though this does not keep me from eating the peanut butter I bought recently. (And I blame [ profile] wolflady26 for that!)

Steve Vai is an amazing guitar player.


Jan. 31st, 2006 03:34 pm
I have the headache from hell.
Work sucks.
I wanna go home.
The layouter not only had yesterday afternoon off, but also today. She has not yet given me any feedback on the things I gave her last week - I doubt she's even started working on that yet.
Dammit, if this thing fails, it's not going to be my effing fault!

I'm hungry.

Yeah, sure

Jan. 30th, 2006 06:04 pm
My head is killing me.
I had to listen to some guy talk my ear off on the phone for about half an hour, telling me how he recognised my accent as being not Bavarian and how strange it is that people can tell where he is coming from even though he speaks "normal".

Am done with 1996 and am totally sick of this whole thing.

Worked with one of the officers to write a letter to the people who are supposed to write forewords for the school history.

Tried to plan when I am going to take my vacation this year. I don't even know how many days of vacation I have this year, as I am not listed to work the whole year and will only get part of the vacation I would be allowed to take would I work 12 months.

Learned that before June I don't even have to start working on getting my contract renewed, and results are not to be expected until October (my contract runs out by the end of October).

Argh, don't let that fool you. That's no reason to be so cranky, it's no more than usual. It's just my effing hormones getting me down.


Jan. 29th, 2006 11:23 am
I skimmed the flist. If I didn't comment on an entry you think I should have commented on, nudge me.

Sorry about not being a very good reader at the moment, but it seems that right now I am always tired, no matte how much I sleep, and the more I sleep the more tired I'll be.

The staff sergeant allowed me to leave at noon on Thursday (captain is sick so couldn't say anything to that). I have the extra hours to use up for that, but it still is their decision to let me go or not, so that was cool.
Means I got home at a decent time and with not too many stupid gits on the road.

Friday Mom and I went to the funeral of our friend. It sucks that you see people only at funerals, really. I mean my godfather was there whom I last met at my confirmation, and that's what, ten years ago? And my godfather's father, the husband of the deceased friend, whom I ran into when I was shopping a few weeks back when he told me his wife was in a coma and they didn't know how things would go.
We used to live in the same house and I'd spend time at their place, and then when everybody moved out of that house, the contact totally broke off.
Life sucks.

And the service was in a effing cold church. And there was no coffin, just an urn, and personally I do not want to be burned because it sucks being carried out by a single funeral guy on something that looks a lot like a tea tray, and put into a hole in the ground that looks more like the start of an outhouse than a grave. It's just not what I want my relatives and friends to have as the last memory of me.

Saturday started with Mom and me driving to the dog training ground to the puppy play hour. Was okay, but again disgustingly cold.
After lunch, we two went to last minute choir rehersal at 3:30. Of course, the majority of the singers didn't show up until like four. Just great.
The concert started at 5, in yet another cold church. How I loove it that I know the songs better after two rehearsals than the other singers after ten at least. And how none of the so-called sopranos manages to sing a decent g.
After the concert we rushed home, changed into a few more layers of clothing and went back to the dog training ground. Set up everything for the nightly training. It's something they do every year on the last weekend of January. In the dark, dogs are very unsure and during the training, they are faced with - for them - weird things to see how they react, find out if they are aggressive or total whimnps (or both) or if they trust their owners enough to folow them to whatever scary thing there is.
So we started out with the dog being checked out like they are for shows and tests - measured, check teeth, that sort of thing. Then my Mom would hold the dog while the owner would hide behind a wall about twenty metres away, then call the dog. Some dogs apparently have much difficulties finding their owners if they don't see them. Then walk between two lines of candles. One dog blew out a candle, some were quite unsure about what this was. The go through a curtain we had put up, and towards a vacuum cleaner. That was really interesting. Most dogs were really afraid of the sound. Not so much of the "ghost" - a sheet in a tree, lit by a lamp. Then we had me - the drunk / disabled / generally weirdo. I was hiding in a bush with a weird, witchy hat and an umbrella, and would come out limping like Dracula'S servant. Then I would have to adapt to the reactions of the dog. If the dog was really scared, I'd walk normal, get rid of the umbrella (most dogs seem to be afraid of umbrellas), take of the hat, talk to them, call them and give them a treat.
After me, there was a tunnel, a wall to climb over for the older dogs and a plank to walk on for the puppies, then they had to get a toy out of a box of plastic bottles and the last was three different sorts of dog treats and the owner had to guess which one the dog would go to first.
Mom and I had planned that out since a week ago. Originally, another person was supposed to help, but she had told Mom on Tuesday she wouldn't be there, so we had to rearrange everything.

My job was it also to straighten things up after each dog, make sure the candles are still burning, switch on the vacuum cleaner again if necessary, that sort of thing.

Plus it's a lot of fun to be faces with fifteen different dogs from small mix to pure-breed Great Dane. Also, if I call a dog, talking in a soothing way, and the owner tells me he doesn't think she'll bite "once she finds out you're not wearing the training arm*" - that's really great. Also, if dogs are scared, they might attack even if they usually are the friendliest creatures on earth. So it's fun, yeah.

And it meant standing around in the cold from six until nine or so, then sit in an unheated office to figure out who has the best results. It also meant nothing to eat between lunch and nine.

When we came home, I was frozen. I took a boiling hot bath to just be able to feel my toes again.

Originally, my Mom had a meeting today, but she called in sick so at least today I can have some sort of weekend. Saturday in between everything, I had to do five loads of laundry to get my own and my brother's clothes washed and at least half-way dry - it sucks that so much can't go in the dryer, it doesn't really dry up on the attic in this sort of weather. It just freezes, it seems.

I am still totally tired. I had a strange dream that might be a fairy tale if I could just remember enough of it to write it down.
The door to my room doesn't close right. That sucks but I don't feel like asking my dad to do something about it because he anoys me just by existing, I couldn't stand communicating with him right now.

I'm done with 1994 in the school history thing. I'm getting there. I will get this done.

And here are some quizzes I got from ... people.

I am a red Slytherin )

* the training arm is like a sleeve thing made out of a mesh fabric. It's heavily padded and for those training disciplines that involve training the dog to attack an intrudor, the helper will wear it while walking up menacingly to the dog, hitting his equally padded leather pants with a whip. The dog then has to jump at him, bite into the arm and hold on even if the helper lifts him off the ground. Means that some dogs will jump and bite at everyone with a cast...
See picture here: a helper in full gear with arm over his left arm. Pictures of that sort of training in action here.
start with a meme
I am coffee )

Then there is a call for action, copied from [ profile] jonthedull:
The West Jersey Animal Shelter is closing at the end of this month. The Pennsauken, NJ shelter had it's license revoked due to unkept and dangerous conditions for the animals. There are currently 31 dogs and 5 cats on the premises that are in desperate need of adoption. If these animals are not adopted by the end of the month, they will be euthanized.

The West Jersey Animal Shelter is open for adoptions Monday through Friday from 11 a.m. until 4 p.m. and from 11 a.m. until 5 p.m. on Saturdays and Sundays. Phone (856) 486-2180.


Even if you can't adopt an animal, please repost this.. Eventually it will reach someone you can.. Even if only one pet is adopted, that's still a big difference for that animal's life...

Did anybody notice I was gone for the past days?
Well, in case you didn't: I was gone for the past days!
We went down to Freiburg with a group of soldiers to have a look at the stuff kept by the military archive down there. They had said before we weren't likely to find much, and it wasn't much, but at least something. The biggest problem was to get the about seven or eight people that didn't need to be there to stop hindering my work.
Fortunately, they found the personal records of two of the captains who were with us, so they were busy laughing about the bad school results of one and the bad test results of the other, so I could do some work.

We went out for dinner on Wednesday, which was funny as some people ordered local specialties without knowing what it was, and it turned out to be not quite what they expected. *coughtripecough*

The whole trip was a lot of fun.
Katrin went with us even though she at first had planned not to. I only found out because the guy who organised it mentioned the fact. She had not deemed it necessary to tell me.
Oh well, don't I know her long enough by now?
But she's currently working on kicking out her boyfriend. (The one she's been living with for years and just moved into a different home with). Apparently, the fact that he went on vacation while she was moving their stuff from the house to the flat showed her that he might never develop into the helping, loving husband and father of her kids she'd like to have.
Personally, I'd have noticed that at the point when a man of almost fourty has to be kicked in the butt to make him move out of his mom's home at all, and when I at 27 live and share bed, table and closet with a man much older, and never ever have sex.

Okay, what does this post tell us so far? Other people's lives are far more interesting than mine. I have to be home to take care of the dog as Mom has a meeting today.
Next Friday, I have to be home because it's the funeral of a good friend of ours. One of her sons is our dentist, the other is my godfather, but he never did anything godparents usually do, so it was his mother who came for my birthdays and confirmation and all that. And they used to live in the same house as we did and they were like a piece of the "old home" for me, and now she's dead because the stupid medication she's been taken for ages to make her rheuma bearable basically destroyed all her inner organs.

In other news, DENIC sent me a bill for a domain I didn't know I had. WTF??? So I need to sort this out because I am certainly not going to pay 58 Euros for a domain name I don't even need or use!


Jan. 7th, 2006 02:56 pm
Folowing up a conversation I had with [ profile] wolflady26, I snooped around the notebooks at the store today. (Went in to buy some cd cases)
And I noticed once more that I have no idea whatsoever about what I'd need.
But hey, know your limits and know whom to ask!
So here goes:
I'm thinking about buying a laptop/notebook. I would want to use it to watch movies on DVD, to play media files (Sandra, what was the format of the Ranma and Gilmore Girls episodes?), to write. It should have a decent Windows version that has the usual Windows games because I like to play Solitaire, Freecell and Spider Solitaire.
Maybe, as soon as I have my own place, I could use it to go online, but I am not sure about that yet as I still think a desktop computer would be better for that.

I don't mind it to look good, either.

So anybody can give me information on what I should look for and how much that would cost?

Oh, and as I had something in my last post about things just being WRONG: A VIVA vj announced Gigi D'Agostino's "La Passion". But even thought he got the article right, he pronounced "passion" like the English word. WTF???? Do you homework, dude! (My brother suggested VIVA finds their moderators under a rock somewhere.
MTV is a long way from Ray Cokes and similar geniuses, but they're not that far down yet. On German MTV, people like Markus Kavka still hold up a certain standard.

And I am a lemming. I went back and started tagging my entries. I think I wrote better posts with more interesting contents when I started back in June 2004.
It's three o'clock, I've been up for about two hours or so, and I've got a headache already.
My Mom's gone to Berlin to go shopping with my sister. My Dad took down the christmas tree, my brother woke up about an hour ago and just finished breakfast, at some point I am apparently supposed to prepare lunch (this just means I shall put the pizza in the oven, so not all that bad, actually), the dog has been going crazy and annoying the heck out of me.

I don't see any point of coming home for the weekend except for the opportunity to wash my clothes and have guilt-free internet access.

It is just wrong if you watch a Die Ärzte concert on MTV and they suddenly start so sing Juli. WRONG.

My language skills deteriorate. I swear too much and use words like "totally" and "really" and "way" entirely too often.

And I'd really like to get a few minutes of peace and quiet in this fucking place without my father telling my that it's antisocial behaviour if I want to be left alone sometimes.

Who is love? )
Well, I had planned to leave on time today. It's half an hour past that, still okay for me.

Yesterday, after driving home from a wonderful weekend at [ profile] wolflady's, with lots of fun had with her and her husband and several friends, including [ profile] linnapaw - and dirty songs - I was too tired to go anywhere. Meaning I didn't really have any food.
Meaning I couldn't fall asleep until I had eaten half a package of shortbread, the only thing besides musli and chocolate that I still had sitting around.

girly TMI )

Anyway, so I need to go shopping tonight to buy some food. I'm not listed for meals at the cafeteria this week, and I doubt the one here is even open (and the other one five minutes down the roads from ours plainly sucks), so I'd have a pretty rough week without that.

Last night I was actually looking forward to it, I was even looking forward to preparing food. Even anything more difficult than opening a package and heating something up. But with the headache I am currently dealing with, I don't feel like it at all.

I did manage to rearrange my office today. I put in a second desk, changed some stuff around so I have more surface to put stuff, so all the different things will not get mixed in heaps that are only sorted chrnologically (the thing I touched last being on top). And I can now pull the keyboard closer to the edge of the table and still have room to write on paper. I did some work that was left over from last year. With all the last minute acquisitions and the computer system being down, we had no oportunity to enter all the fancy new books into the system, so I'm doing that now.

I sincerely hope I will not be bothered with school history this week. If anyone of you is really curious, this is the book I'm writing. Surely it has the potential to be a best seller...
Couldn't I have written something like the new Harry Potter????


Dec. 29th, 2005 01:02 pm
I bought some new bras today. I only had two I could wear, and as one of those was black and I don't really agree with the fashion of showing off your underwear at work, so I usually don't wear black bras under light shirts, I really was limited in my choice of clothing. Whatever limits my wardrobe, I don't think it's acceptable if it's the lack of bras.

I also got some new pairs of socks. I might actually be able to throw away some of the ones that consist of more holes than anything else. (Note to self: probably wearing shoes in the house might reduce the wear on the socks?)

And I stocked up on cosmetics (bwaha, this means shower gel and body lotion and tooth paste in my case), so I will be in no hurry buying that stuff when I go back down to Hammelburg.
I decided to have two sets of everything, one at my parents' and one in Hammelburg, so I don't have to take the stuff with me everytime I drive up here. I also am going to keep some stuff in the car for overnight stays at other places. That way I can cut down on stuff I carry around in my suitcase.

The weather sucks, it's been snowing all day.

And tonight, I woke up from a really ugly dream. I was at some weird old lady's place and while she showed me around her livig room, the door opened and a man came in. I couldn't see him, but his shadow, and I was scared and hid behind some bookshelves that were set in the middle of the room. Standing in the door, the guy said "You got to be Gemini", and I knew he'd kill everyone who wasn't, because only a second ago I had seen in the bookshelves of the old lady, among several other DVDs with reports on serial killers, one who did just that. And as he came into the room I managed to get close to the door, behind him, by walking around that bookshelve in the middle of the room. He had an axe.
But I woke up before I had decided to run away or try and save the old lady or whatever.
It was terrible, I hate to remember my nightmares. I usually don't. The thing is, I have a horrible time getting back to sleep. Same reason why I don't watch horror movies. Scares me to death.
I know it's not 79 and it's a bit early, but this is one of my favorite songs this time of year.

Happy New Year )

In other news, [ profile] wolflady26, I'll be heading down to you on Friday, starting here around 11. So if all goes well, I should be at your place around 3 or 4. Hope that's okay with you. And I hope the roads are clear...
I'll have to leave Sunday at about 11 or 12 to make it to Hammelburg without driving in the dark, which I wouldn't really like to do, unless the weather gets better. The Autobahn exit in Hammelburg never is cleared well, and I slipped off the road there once (to the side without guardrail, fortunately), that's way enough for my taste.

I watched "8 femmes" yesterday. Cool. But the French are weird. Great acting, though.

It's really cold and supposed to be snow storming tonight. What fun!
Warning: the following post is written disregarding any and all rules of political correctness. For politically correct holiday wishes I would like to refer you to [ profile] rev_tobias' journal.

Anyway: I wish everyone a very merry Christmas. I hope you have / had a wonderful time and enjoyed yourself. Also, I hope you got lots of nice presents.

And Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I got the clarinet! It's just great, all new and shiny and wonderful and I so need to practice because I seem to have forgotten just about all I ever knew.

Now we're going to visit my aunt and her family and it's time to remember the rules:
DO eat the cookies with chocolate
DO NOT eat the cookies with seeds (sesame, pumpkin, undefined black stuff)
DO NOT eat anything that looks as if has been around since last Christmas
DO NOT say anything that shows you work for TEH EBIL MONSTER, otherwise known as the German army.
DO NOT say anything sarcastic
DO admire the stupid, aimless brats

Happy Holidays, everyone!

Oh, I got all of the Chronicles of Narnia, meaning I now have two copies of The magician's nephew. Anybody interested? ([ profile] wolflady26, [ profile] linnapaw?)

And Sandra, what day would you like me to come down to your place?

Eep, gotta run!
This has been an interesting day.
I have spent most of the morning on the computer, trying to catch up with everything I missed yesterday. I read a [ profile] theferrett's account of his trip to Washington with his daughter and the discussion about the Holocaust he and [ profile] zoethe had with her. That was great and I had to give some comments. Of course, whenever the topic of Germany comes up I feel I have the right to put in my two cents. The discussion reminded me of things that made me go crazy in school. Like in Latin, we were not supposed to translate the word dux with the German word Führer, even though both mean leader. When spelling, we are supposed to say "double s" instead of "ss". The province I live in, Sachsen-Anhalt, would be best abbreviated SA (as Schleswig-Holstein has SH, Rheinland-Pfalz has RP and Nordrhein-Westfalen has NW). BUt because the combination SA has been used before, Sachsen-Anhalt is ST.
This is no sensible way of dealing with the problem. It trivialises the things that happened, and it blocks the way to an open discussion that is more than the Germans on their knees begging for forgiveness and writing "We are the bad guys" on the blackboard a few hundred times. Forgiveness might not be possible, but hatred and revenge is no way of living, either. The posts of today proved to me that many people outside of Germany don't see the Germans in the light of Bad Guys anymore. It's the Germans who can't grow out of it. And the East Germans are especially bad, because of the different way they dealt with Nazi times in GDR schools.
Sorry, I know I have posted about this several time sbefore, but it just seems to come up again and again.

Anyway, this afternoon I decided to go to a museum in another town, about 10 kilometers from here. As it looked like another thunderstorm was brewing, I wanted to take the car. But it was gone. My brother apparently went on a day trip with my car without even telling me. I love my family! So I went by bike. I took my walkman, and decided with that noise in my ears it was better to take the back roads. There is a path for hiking, and I thought that might be possible by bike, too. Well, at some places, it would have been hard on foot, too. There were weeds growing over it that almost reached my head. Especially stinging nettles, my absolute favorites... Can't be worse than the gnat bites, though. I reached the museum before the rain and was allowed to put the bike inside. Which was also good because I didn't bring my lock. I was just inside when the rain started. Lucky me! Hail to Friday the 13th. I always knew that was a good day for me. And it stayed that way, because by the time I left the museum, it had stopped raining and I came back home dry. Taking a different way, to avoid the weeds. It was hard enough to pull them out of the wheels and everything once. That meant I had to go a longer distance, but mostly on asphalt. I suppose I was faster, also because it was downhill. The museum, unfortunately, is up on a hill.
The exhibition was interesting. They had toys from somewhere late 19th century until the 1960s. Plus, there was the regular exhibit about the history of the area. To go from Slavic cups to dollhouses is quite an experience.
So I feel really good today. I had some exercise, some education, I even did some stitching on this picture I'm making. It's a cat lying in a bookshelf, and I got it for christmas like 2 years ago and never dared to start, it looked so complicated. It is, but I'm doing it bit by bit, and it starts looking like a picture by now.
And now I'm tired. But no sleep anytime soon. Tonight there is the opening celebration for Olympia, and I'm definitely going to watch that. I saw the one from Sydney, too, and that was great. But it's three hours or something, and it starts around eight. Oh, anyway. Tomorrow's weekend. Not that I would have to get up early if it wasn't, though.


Aug. 13th, 2004 10:50 am
I'm bored.
I didn't sleep very well this night. It was very warm when I went to bed, so I got up again and sat down at my window and just looked outside. Got to see some beautiful lightnings while a thunderstorm was coming closer. When it reached us, there was so much wind I had to close all the windows. I can't sleep wel with windows closed. But the main problem was that a sunlight in the attic didn't close right. I kept trying, but it didn't work. So I could just push it as far as it would go and hope the wind wouldn't go underneath it. We just had teh roof redone, and my Dad would not have been happy if something ot damaged. SO I went back to bed and listened with my eyes closed for a crash from the attic, or any sign that opening that windown inthe wirst place had been a bad idea. I fell asleep doing that. This morning, I went back and checked. Everything was still in one piece and I even managed to find out what the problem was (Something blocking the mechanism that closes the window), and could finally shut it. Made me feel much better.
Both my brothers are home right now. More or less. It means that my little brother will occupy what I consider my bathroom (as I'm the only person to use it while he's away during the week) for hours on end, without looking particularly better when he comes out. It means that the same brother will eat breakfast at two, meaning people who get up in the morning willhave to wait forever for lunch. My Mom is a great fan of family meals, so she'll wait until everybody is kind of hungry before she makes something, and you can't just go and prepare stuff yourself. It means that my older brother has taken my car and spent the night with his girlfriend. I will only see it again when he comes back, and nobody knows when that's going to be. Next week, he'll go on some trip. And take my car to go, meaning I have to take the train to go to Berlin. My Dad thinks he can help me finding a job, so he has arranged for some guy to meet me in Berlin and talk about what I can and what I want. Both I and the man I'm supposed to talk with have no idea what this might do to help me, but if it makes my Dad feel better, why not.
I need to go to the Arbeitsamt (no, Arbeitsagentur) - whatever, the unemployment office, and tell them that after August 31st I will join the large number of unemployed people in this beautiful country. And have them tell me I won't get any money, which I knew before anyway. Still no reason why I shouldn't sit in their ugly hallways and waiting areas for several hours. Had that before, thank you very much. But in the most unlikely case that I get retirement money from the state when I'm old enough to retire, every month of working life counts. And that includes times I was listed as unemployed. Most likely by the time I am old enough to retire, there won't be anybody left to pay for pensions, so it shouldn't matter.
I have reached a new level of spam emails. After the people who wanted to enlarge the size of my penis (hey guys, that would be quite a task) and the ladys and gentlemen from Africa who wanted to give me a few million dollars for helping them get the family fortune out of the reach of some tyrant, I now am overwhelmed by the friendly people who give away free software. Internet is full of truly nice people ...and the foxes have a sincere interest in prolonguing the life of the poultry. Where is that quote from? Google says it's T.S.Eliot, but I'm not sure.
I need to write to some of my American friends. They are true Maine snowbirds, with a house near Tampa. Just want to check up on them, and their children in Florida. I don't like the news about Bonnie and Charley, or whatever the names of these storms are.
I got a call from a dear friend yesterday. He told me about a little barbeque/salad (more salad than BBQ, as we don't have a grill) party a friend from university is hosting. Apparently, it's open for everybody. My friend's been invited, I haven't.
Easy solution: I live in another town, so maybe the person who organized the party, S., figured I couldn't come.
BUT: another student, J. - who is kind of my favorite enemy - living in the same town has been invited.
This smells like teenage clique type of problems.
Both my friend and I like to cause trouble, so he called me to invite me, and I will show up with him at the event. Just for the fun of seeing the kids' faces. It might be all coincidence, no insult intended or anything. S. is really nice and not at all the kind of person who'd do this kind of thing.
J. would, though. So maybe she was supposed to tell me, and didn't. Usually she wants me to drive her, as she doesn't have a car and I do, but she didn't call me to ask. Which looks as if she knows I'm not invited, being responsible for it or not.
I feel like a tenth-grader again with these games.
I went to the public swimming pool again today, my brother inviting me. He just came back from a triathlon this weekend but fears he might not do enough training while he's on vacation with us, so he went swimming today.
Anyway, I kept some kid from stealing my brother's board (a little nifty, floating board he uses if he wants to work on only arms or only legs to keep floating in the water). The kid took it just when I was reaching that end of the pool, so I just yelled at him to drop it and he did.Made me feel good. I love to yell at kids.
This place has diving platforms for three, five, seven and ten metres. I climbed up to jump from the three metres, usually I don't dare to go any higher up. Reaching the platform, I found out why nobody else was jumping from there. It was closed. So I could either go back down and look like a sissy or go higher up. I chose higher. I stood around on the platform, five metres above the water. I dried almost completely, watching kids half my size take a run-up and jump. I saw people fly by who had jumped from even greater heights. Darn it, I was scared. But I have that personal rule never to go back down the stairs. If I went up there, the only way down is jump.
So I did, eventually. Probably not very gracefully, but who cares, really. I had some problems with my ears afterwards, one hurting really bad. So I don't think I'll ever do that again. But now I can say I did it, and if I ever come into the situation where I have to do this, I know that it is possible. I feel about this similar as about running a marathon. It might be a rather stupid thing to do (with the marathon, it's not as if you are doing anything at the end of running 42 kilometres, like going shopping or sightseeing or something), but it is a way of proving that my mind rules the body, not vice versa. It made me feel strong and brave and successful to jump down there, beating my fear.
One day I will run a marathon. Just to see that I can.
I have been cleaning out my CD shelves, being inspired by [ profile] chickbrarian. Now I'm listening to some CDs I haven't played in years. I have also found some I'm going to try to get rid of and make money out of them, to buy other CDs. My taste in music has changed and I feel my CD rack should show that.
I have been on the computer all day today, pretty much. I did leave my room for breakfast and lunch, and to help my Mom buy a bag of dog food. She has back problems and shouldn't carry the large bags. But apart from that, I've been here. I managed to control myself and not go online until something like two o'clock or so. Then I read through several LJ posts. I'm trying my best not only to read the posts but also the comments, but this is hard sometimes. At some point, I usually give up on [ profile] theferrett's comments pages. There are just too many people posting there.
Now what did I do all the rest of the time?
I wrote. That's right, getting another fan fic story going. I started it only for myself, and to make that clear I named the main character Mary Sue. But it looks pretty good, actually, so I might post it on if I ever finish it.
I feel very little motivation to do anything. That doesn't make much sense. Having all my time for myself, I should be able to do many things I always wanted to do but never got around to doing. ([ profile] angharad, see that I learned?) But instead, I read books I've read millions of times before. Some of them I know almost by heart. I keep moving the letters of application around on my desk, giving the impression that I'm doing something. Where have all my good intentions gone?
I have the plan to come out of my seclusion and have a little fun. I'm 22, I should start going out. I have my own car, so I can go wherever I want, stay as long as I want. I still live with my parents, but my room is far enough away from theirs so I won't bother them no matter what time I come home.
I have the perfect conditions to go out and party. Except for the fact that
a) I wouldn't know where to go and
b) Going alone isn't that much fun.
If you are alone, then you can't even bitch about the other girls if nobody's interested in you.
I should just face it. I am so afraid of maybe making a fool of myself out there that I'd rather stay here. If I'm lonely and sit in my room all day, at least I know why I'm lonely. If I go out, I might end up realizing that it's just me. I could blame my classmates who made fun of me and teased me up to the point of mobbing. Maybe it was their behavior towards me that made me so unsure of myself. But there are many other people who support me and help me. Well, the last time I let somebody get to become a real, close, friend, she ended up telling me that she had more important things to do then spending time with me. It took me four years to get over that. With all these experiences in the background, it's most likely that I am the problem, not all the other people. It is just so much easier to blame them than trying to change the way I am.
I'll have to go out there or I will never find out. This will be this year's good intention. We have August, so I still have four and a half months to do it.


Aug. 8th, 2004 11:32 am
I have been busy this morning, somewhat.
I woke up with a headache. That's due to the fact that my room is on the level of the house, therefore quite warm, and I don't sleep well when it's warm. Also, at sunrise the sparrows fly around our house eating from the vine growing on the walls. And they are loud. Woke me up this morning and I couldn't really go back to sleep. It has been like that all week and I'm starting to feel the lack of sleep. Anyway, I gave up around nine and decided I might as well get up.
And after breakfast, I did something quite interesting: trespassing on somebody else's property. The house across the road from us has been empty for a while. The former tenants were not... er... civilized? Yeah, that might be the right term. We just met them on the road sometimes. And we saw what they did to the outside of this old farmhouse. It's a little older than our house, I guess something like 150 years or so. With at least some clay walls. It looked pretty nice actually, before these guys set up satelite dishes on several windows, broke new windows into the walls at places where they look absolutely ridiculous and pretty much letting decay the building. So now the thing has been sold to somebody who most likely never looked at it,and they had to be moved out. The town assigned some other apartments for them, they're unemployed and only live off the money they get from the government.
And as I'm a curious person, I used the fact that somebody broke open the door to the house and went to have a look.
Now these people living there supposedly were poor. I saw enough appliances and furniture for something like 4 kitchens, including pots and pans, even a Wok, plates, silverware, glasses; 3 washing machines, 2 large TVs, a ton of video tapes and CD-ROM, several sofas, chairs, tables, closets, and enough clothes to supply a small African country for a few years. Also skis, inline skates, roller skates and whatnot. And that's only the stuff they left behind.
I don't believe it, people like my family pay taxes so that these guys can live like that???
I'm not overly social, I know. I don't think anybody should starve or live on the street or not have the opportunity to go to school. But I don't see the need to supply a family like that with stuff they neither need nor value.
The house was in a terrible shape, too. In some rooms, they have apparently tried to lower the ceiling (the rooms are more than three meters high, originally, which is really nice IMO) by drilling hooks into the (clay) ceilings and attaching plywood to it. In some places they didn't finish, but it didn't seem to bother them overmuch. The bathrooms were plainly disgusting, and don't even let me get to the cardboard boxes they had used as cat toilets (despite the fact that they also had several expensive litter boxes).
The main thing that surprised me is that it looks as if the inhabitants moved out in half an hour and didn't have time to pack anything. It seems as if they just gathered the most important things (even though you'd think social security ID would be important, and they left it on the floor) and left in a hurry. Which they didn't. They had something like months to pack, and even if time wasn't long enough, they could come back now and get the rest. I just don't get it!
The new owner will most likely tear the whole thing down. Even though the roof seems to be in good shape, and that is the most important thing, it would take much more money to repair the house and do something with it than to tear it down and build some disgusting, small houses there. There's also a huge garden to the house which could be turned into a nice park - it must have been something like that, at least partly. But that's just my way of looking at it, not influenced by any kind of economical thoughts. Which probably means more new houses there. Makes me think it's not too bad that I'll probably move away from here soon. It would be sad to see the old house go for this form of housing.
It is way too hot to do anything. And I don't. Nothing important, at least. I spend hours playing around on my computer.
Quite some time ago, I have decided to play every single game of Freecell. I'm up to number 927 now. I also have gathered a number of games I didn't solve. I get back to them regularly and try again. But it still looks as if this is going to be a task for the rest of my life. I take breaks playing spider solitaire or the regular solitaire. But it still isn't a very exciting way of passing time.
Today I also had an idea for another story. Acually, I had some thoughts about it in my mind for severaldays, but found a way to begin today. I just need to keep the other ideas in my mind until I have developped the story far enough. It might be one of the longest stories I ever wrote - if I manage to pull it through til the end. But as I don't have much else to do, chances are good.

I have two letters of application all ready lying on my desk, but I've decided to add anoher sentence before sending them out. But that's not urgent, deadline is mid-August for one and early September for the other. I don't know why I hate it so much to write and send these letters. You'd think it gets better after a while, but if it does, I haven't written enough to get to that point.
My last application was answered with a very friendly letter telling me to please be patient as the process of chosing a candidate would take some time and thank you very much for your interest. Disgusting! I mean, nothing against them telling me it'll take some time, but this waiting is the worst thing that can happen. At least they didn't send my stuff right back as somebody else did. Well, the University library in Siegen will be sorry for turning me down without even really reading my CV or anything. (They can't have, because I got everything back so fast I'm surprised they managed to open the letter.)
Anyway, I got a call from the place where I did one of my internships, an information center of the army. I applied for a job in another one, and they had been asked to rate all applicants. They promised me to tell only good things about me, and when they called this week they really gave me hope that I might get the job. I still don't want to act too sure about it, I might still fail. But it doesn't give me the impression that applying for jobs has to have top priority. I know it should, though. It is most likely that I will be unemployed for at least one month, and I'm not happy with that. I have been picky about where to apply, not going for anything really short-term, like 5 months or so, and also not going for part-time jobs. There's nothing around here, so I could still live with my parents. That means wherever I go I need to be able to live off the money I make. I don't intend to dine out every hight or live in a large apartment with swimmingpool sized bathtub or anything, but I still think I can't live off 50% of the usual salary for a full-time librarian. This is not a job to get rich with. And I don't have a significant other to share the costs. Sharing apartments isn't a very good solution for me, either. I'd be hell to live with.
I tell myslf over and over again that it is important to find a job. I don't like it if my day is not structured in any way and I don't have anything to do to keep my mind occupied and put to use all the things I learned. This week, I went to the sports studio again after being incredibly lazy the weeks before. That helped quite a bit to feel more comfortable with myself again.
As my brother is on vacation, I use his empty room to do some dancing in the evening. I open up all the windows in my room to let some fresh air in, and then switch of the lights there. I still get bugs in my room, but not as much. But then I can't do anything there, reading or stitching, or even dancing - I'd hit my furniture all the time or stumble over things lying on the floor (I never claimed to be tidy). So I go to my brother's and use his CD player and dance a bit. I need that to feel comfortable in my body. I like it when I'm sweating because I do something, not just because it's warm outside.
I spend most of the day in rooms with curtains closed to let as little sun in as possible. That's not good for my mood. It feels like winter depression in the middle of summer. I could go out into the garden, but on weekends dad works there and will surely give me some stuff to do if he sees me. And I don't want to do garden work. At least not with him standing around telling me I'm doing it all wrong and how to hold whatever tool I'm working with. That is the same person who taught me how to do these things in the first place. It's quite funny, actually. My dad is left-handed, but was trained to be right-handed, as was common in GDR. So he writes with his right hand, but works with the left. As I learned from him, I can work with my left as well as with my right hand. Quite an interesting talent, even though it would be more impressive to write with both hands. I've tried that, too, but the results were terrible. I do so much on the computer these days, I suppose even writing with my right hand would look like a legasthenic. But then again, it'll come back to me when I start handwriting again.
Speaking of starting, I think I'll start doing something slightly more sensible and take my bike out and go for a ride. Just to give me a dose of sunlight.



August 2012

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