Several times over the past few days, I was given the impression that my presence was appreciated.
That always makes me happy, often more happy than is logical. (The fact that somebody doesn't get up immediately when I sit down at the same table is no reason for exxagerated grins, it's likely simple politeness.)

But it also makes me wonder why people would want me around.

I feel like I am just pretending to be something I am not, I somehow manage to give people the impression I am nice and friendly and interesting, but it's all lies.
And sooner or later people will realise I am just a fraud and they will turn away.

And when I meet new people, some of them give me the impression that they know. They are friendly and nice, but there is something about them that makes me think they know I'm just pretending, and they keep me on the edge and have me worried about if or rather when they will unmask me and will show everybody the ugly reality of what I am.
[livejournal.com profile] cleverusername2 sent me this link.
All fanfiction writers on my flist should listen to that commentary, it's really interesting.
And right, IMHO.

Also, I'm so looking forward to next weekend. [livejournal.com profile] wolflady26 invited me to come down ot Venice with her and her husbnd and another friend. I've been reading a Venice guide book and they have some recomended tours around the town in there that sound just great.
Maybe it'll also inspire me for the [livejournal.com profile] hp_smutfree challenge. I like my assignment, it's a good choice for me, I just haven't had an idea yet. Though I did write a bit last night - some scenes that might be used at some point.

This summer, it looks like Scotland's going to be the place for vacation. I still haven't decided, but Mom gave me a guide to Scotland and all those lovely pictures really tempt me.

Mom and I went shopping on Thursday (I came home Tuesday night to watch the dog on Wednesday) and I spent way too much money. I bought a really lovely blue skirt I probably wouldn't have tried on had I been alone, but Mom said it would be worth trying. And it's great and fits wonderfully. And then she found a t-shirt to go with it, again one I'd never have tried on with the shirt. It's dark purple, kind of an aubergine color, and really nice. The funny thing is, I kinda look taller with the new clothes.

Then we came by a shoe store and I bought a pair of black sandals. I have several pairs of brown ones, but no black sandals, and that was no state to be in.

Lastly, we went to a bookstore so I could buy my Venice guide. And Mom gave me the complete works of Shakespeare! In English, in a lovely (fake) leather binding with gilt edging. Very fancy. Of course, I had to read the beginning of Twelfth Night immediately, I just love that story.

We had lunch at the Chinese restaurant. My Dad and brothers don't like Chinese food, so we only go there when we're alone.

Friday we went to visit my Grandma. She's better, but the way my aunt treats her makes me want to strangle that woman. To think we're related... Well, you can't chose your relatives, you can only chose your friends.

Speaking of friends, you guys really helped me Wednesday night. I had been watching Criminal Intent and there was a rape scene.
Now, I love to watch crime shows, and I don't freak out usually. Not when somebody's brutally murdered on CSI, or they're cutting off body parts or anything. But this was just - I don't know, it totally threw me off. Maybe it was because I talked to the psychologist a few days ago (she hasn't been able to find a shrink she could recommend, as the clinic refuses to give recommendations for ambulant therapy, so it looks like we're basically back to finding somebody in the phone book...) and so the whole thing wasn't as far back in my mind as it usually is. Also, it'll be six years tomorrow, and I've been thinking about it on and off for the past year.
Anyway, I was really shaky when I went to bed, but then I thought of you and what you told me last year, and that really calmed me.
Thanks, guys!

decisions

Mar. 19th, 2006 01:10 pm
I am no longer begging.

On Friday, some of the people I studied with arranged to meet at a pub in Leipzig. Nobody was invited specifically, but word was spread via our mailing list.
And I decided I would not go.

While we were still studying, it sometimes happened they arranged a party or something and I only heard about it at the last moment because somebody mentioned it in my presence. They would then tell me that sure I could come if I wanted, and often I would come. And feel out of place and unwanted. Until somebody needed me to drive them home.

I would do everything to give them the impression it was good to have me around. If they didn't want me, at least they should need me. So I became the person who'd pay for drinks if somebody didn't have enough money, I'd drive through the whole town to drop people off at their homes or pick them up or bring stuff from point A to point B.
But it's no longer what I want to do.

I don't want people to take me along because they can make use of me. I don't want people to like me the way I am, because that gives the impression they like me even though I am the way I am, and I'd rather they like me because of the way I am.

I believe I have friends now. I don't need to go begging on my knees to be noticed, I just need to learn to get up again.

When I started friending people on LJ, I was nervous as heck every time. I remember that with some people, I was feeling like a medieval peasant who has just walked up to his king, slapped his back and said "Hey dude, how're you doing?" I was expecting being ignored or a cutting response asking me how I dared to approach them. But it didn't happen. Instead, people welcomed me, they were friendly and open and suddenly I didn't feel left out anymore.

And now I have come to the point where I feel safe enough to quit begging the others for attention. What do I care what my former classmates and fellow students think of me? I don't need them. I have better friends than they could ever be. I don't need to change to be what they want, because what I am is what others want.

It's scary. It feels a bit like a dream and I am afraid I will wake up any minute and everything will be as it was.
Hell, if it exists, is not a hot, fiery place with devils running around. It is a place very much like this world, where people turn their backs when you approach.

Arghh!

Feb. 17th, 2006 08:38 pm
Well. So yesterday I went shopping by car. Drove back up to the base and the car was acting up a bit again. Oh well, nothing out of the ordinary. So I unpacked at my home and then wanted to drive to my parking space. Unfortunately, as I was going round a corner, the engine died. So I was sitting right there in the middle of the road (fortunately, a little used road on the base), and couldn't go anywhere. Waited a few minutes, then started again and made it at least off the road.
Went to choir and to the last get-together of the infantry bataillon here before they're going to be disbanded (voc?).
Then the car did start again and I could drive to my parking space without problem. Today I took the car to Schweinfurt to a Mitsubishi dealer and told them what the problem was. And lo and behold, finally somebody at least knows what I am talking about. The guy said his father had had the same problem, and it was the distributor (could that be right? He showed me, it's the thing right next to the oil tank thingie. Yuck, I have so absolutely no idea about engines...)
Anyway, they can't test whether it's damaged there, they'd have to send it in which would take about a week to get back, and if it does get repaired, it'll be 250 Euros.
Yeah, sure.
So the plan is the following: I will drive this car this week and next (sorry, [livejournal.com profile] linnapaw, we'll just have to hope for the best on Sunday and Monday), drive home with it and there it will STAY.
I'll sell it, I'm sick of it. I don't care whether Dad wants me to keep it until the next inspection is due. I am going to get myself a decent used car, which I can afford right now, and I currently have more money available than this car did cost when we bought it.
And then I will finally have a car again that is reliable. High time, too. The guys at Mitsubishi said I could either go for the repair work or drive the car as long as it'll go. So it isn't as if it's something life threatening, just really annoying. So I am pretty sure I will make it through another 10 days, and then we're done.
Funny how things suddenly work out.

In other news, Marco has been visiting. The guy I met way back when I started here and with whom I'd watch CSI every Monday night until he left the army last summer. Was nice to see him again.

stuff I noticed about myself )

[livejournal.com profile] wolflady26, I owe you an email. But there's been so much going on I simply had no time to really muster the concentration. I think you got a great idea there, we'll just have to decide on a weekend. And I might come by train... :-/
Am I intolerant?
Probably.
Most likely.
Heck, yes.
I don't care about who people sleep with, as long as it isn't children (that's just mean), close relatives or animals (I'm sorry, but that's just plain disgusting. Plus, the poor things can't really say no). I don't give a damn if somebody prefers his/her own sex to the opposite. I don't care a lot about what people wear. I do think they should keep certain rules of decency if they go out in the public. I do think there are some women who dress up as if they work in the oldest trade of the world. I don't think it brave or a sign of self confidence if very large people dress invery tight, short clothes. But as long as I'm not forced to see it all the time, I'm fine with it. I'm not interested in the color of your skin or the hairstyle you have, and your political views -as long as they don't include harming other people.
Things I can't stand, even though that might make me intolerant, are stupidity, bad behavior and a lack of knowledge of your own language.
There are things people don't know. There are many things I don't know. But there is no excuse for not realizing the lack of knowledge and still talking about things I shouldn't talk about. It doesn't make me disrespect somebody if s/he says that he doesn't know enough about something to talk about it. I can't respect people who make complete fools out of themselves by uttering their dogmatic views about things they don't know about.
Good example: I hate it when my father - who studied agriculture - talks about the specific problems of librarianship. The last time he's seen the inside of a library was when he was still in university. Apart from that, his closest connection to libraries is being related to me. As he never listens to what we say about our experiences (because according to his rules, kids don't have anything important to say), that doesn't increase his knowledge of libraries. So he might as well not talk about it.
That is what I call stupidity.
As for the bad behavior, there are certain rules that should be observed. It is a matter of personal freedom and not limiting the freedom of others. For me, that includes not interrupting people. I know that can happen in discussions, I do it myself. But it's nothing to be done on a regular basis, and if you still do, you should apologize. Plain disgusting things include boring in the nose, burping (might be OK at some occasions), farting and so on. People who eat with their mouth open gross me out. I also think that you should pay some respect to people older than you. That doesn't mean you have to do everything they say, it doesn't mean that you have to agree with everything they do, but you still should treat them with respect.
As for the last thing I mentioned, bad use of own language, that just drives me crazy. And I'm not talking about slang here or the misspellings that come when you type fast. I'm talking about people who think that it sounds better when they use a lot of foreign words, form long and complicated sentences, but don't do it right. That is just plain terrible. Just use words you know, and I'm fine with it. We can't be all Shakespeare. In fact, very few of us are, and I am no exception. That is nothing to be ashamed of. But to misuse your own language simply because a lack of knowledge, that is something I can't tolerate. So maybe this part is the same as the first thing I mentioned, stupidity. It boils down to the same, the lack of knowing your own abilities.
So I suppose I am an intolerant person. But you know what? I feel good about it. And I consider these points my way of judging people. Those who fall through the grid I most likely ignore and try to avoid.
That's me. If you can't live with that, bad luck.
Note: this does not apply to anybody on my friends list in particular, and not to the people I know in real life who know my LJ. The "you" I used is meant in a more general way
I have been on the computer all day today, pretty much. I did leave my room for breakfast and lunch, and to help my Mom buy a bag of dog food. She has back problems and shouldn't carry the large bags. But apart from that, I've been here. I managed to control myself and not go online until something like two o'clock or so. Then I read through several LJ posts. I'm trying my best not only to read the posts but also the comments, but this is hard sometimes. At some point, I usually give up on [livejournal.com profile] theferrett's comments pages. There are just too many people posting there.
Now what did I do all the rest of the time?
I wrote. That's right, getting another fan fic story going. I started it only for myself, and to make that clear I named the main character Mary Sue. But it looks pretty good, actually, so I might post it on FF.net if I ever finish it.
I feel very little motivation to do anything. That doesn't make much sense. Having all my time for myself, I should be able to do many things I always wanted to do but never got around to doing. ([livejournal.com profile] angharad, see that I learned?) But instead, I read books I've read millions of times before. Some of them I know almost by heart. I keep moving the letters of application around on my desk, giving the impression that I'm doing something. Where have all my good intentions gone?
I have the plan to come out of my seclusion and have a little fun. I'm 22, I should start going out. I have my own car, so I can go wherever I want, stay as long as I want. I still live with my parents, but my room is far enough away from theirs so I won't bother them no matter what time I come home.
I have the perfect conditions to go out and party. Except for the fact that
a) I wouldn't know where to go and
b) Going alone isn't that much fun.
If you are alone, then you can't even bitch about the other girls if nobody's interested in you.
I should just face it. I am so afraid of maybe making a fool of myself out there that I'd rather stay here. If I'm lonely and sit in my room all day, at least I know why I'm lonely. If I go out, I might end up realizing that it's just me. I could blame my classmates who made fun of me and teased me up to the point of mobbing. Maybe it was their behavior towards me that made me so unsure of myself. But there are many other people who support me and help me. Well, the last time I let somebody get to become a real, close, friend, she ended up telling me that she had more important things to do then spending time with me. It took me four years to get over that. With all these experiences in the background, it's most likely that I am the problem, not all the other people. It is just so much easier to blame them than trying to change the way I am.
I'll have to go out there or I will never find out. This will be this year's good intention. We have August, so I still have four and a half months to do it.
I'm an arrogant bitch.
I'm an arrogant bitch that's rather unsure of herself, and if you say that's a contradiction, so be it. I'm a woman, I have the right to be as contradictory as I want to.
Anyway, why do I come to that deep insight in my own personality?
I love to brag. And I do it in a way that sounds as if I'm talking badly about myself and my abilities, so people will feel induced to compliment me on what I do. I'm fishing for compliments all the time. I don't like that trait of my character, but I'm not sure whether I can change it.
So while on one hand, I see myself as the best in whatever I do, I always want to be reassured on it. And if I get the impression that I'm not the best at something, I'll find excuses for myself or stop doing the thing altogether.
And I have no idea why I am so afraid of being just average.
OK, so in my family it always was important to be good in school and with the musical instruments we all play and things, but usually my Mom's point of view was: if you did your best, then you can be proud of what you've reached.
Somehow this attitude got all twisted in my mind.
I have a good mind for learning. I graduated with the best possible result. So I should be proud. But I'm running around wanting people to applaud on it, telling me that I'm the best. Yet I don't like to say it right away when they ask how I did. I tell myself that this is because I don't want them to be envious, but I suppose in truth it's simply because I like them to beg me to tell them.
I can't pass a construction site without expecting wolf whistles from the workers there. I don't pretend to be offended at that, I like it. But it still is rather strange to expect it.
I really, really wonder what made me be this way.
Maybe thinking about it will help me come up with a possible solution.

Lonely

Jul. 13th, 2004 01:18 pm
Sometimes, I feel so alone I just curl up in my bed and cry.
And usually, there is no special reason for it. Mabye I'm manic-depressive, I don't know. When I feel down like that, nothing would really help.
It's not that I don't have friends. I do. Not many, but good friends. Some wouldn't mind if I called them in the middle of the night, either. But that is not what I miss.
It's simply the fact that I sleep alone, that I wake up alone, that there is nobody who shares my dreams and feelings. Sometimes I just want to cuddle up next to somebody at night, or see somebody I love when I wake up from a bad dream.
Sometimes I wish I could just go out on the street and throw myself into the arms of the first person who looks like he might be interested. But I'm not that crazy yet. And even though there have been times when I actually thought of suicide, I don't think I'd ever do that. So all that's left is lie in my bed and cry.
It's not that no man has ever been interested in me. I don't want to brag, but there have been a few, actually. The problem is not them, it's me. None of them was the kind of person I wouldn't forget as soon as I turn around. Only one made a big impression on me, and he is a memory I still cherish.
The thing that gets me down is that I somehow fear that I might never fall in love, that I'm not able to love somebody else more than myself. I have always been an egoist, and that has helped me to cope with problems I had. But what if that also is a problem itself? I don't think I could change that much.
So I feel lost and lonely and the only hope I have is that after a while, I'll be able to push these thoughts away and just get on with my life.

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